When it comes to holidays and occasional travel, the City Lodge Group not only compete with other hotel chains and Airbnb – they compete with the homes of friends and family.

The truth is, in tight-fisted economic times, many of us end up choosing the “free” option.

But how free is it really? Finances aside, there are some undeniable emotional and (sometimes) physical costs to staying with the people you love. Looking after your aging, haggard childhood pets, the constant, unrequited company – too much information about your parents’ sexual renaissance.

When you weigh up the real cost of staying with the family, staying at a City Lodge hotel is better than free, actually.

Durban is a sleepy, seaside city on the east coast of South Africa. The perfect place to relax… in theory.

Cape Town is a gorgeous coastal city on the west coast of South Africa, known for its natural beauty and chilled vibes.

The WhatsUp. WhatsApp is the messaging platform of choice in South Africa and while our parents do try to keep up technologically, one or two hilarious malapropisms do arise.

Night Weeping Script

VO 1: You’re going to Durban for a family reunion. A week at the beach house.

Chorus: And it’s free!

VO 1: The beach house that sleeps 15… with just one exhausted, old, temperamental toilet.

Chorus: It’s janky, but it’s free!

VO 1: At least you’re sharing with your brother.

Chorus: For free!

VO 1: Your recently-divorced brother with his involuntary night weeping.

Chorus: Boohoohoo for free!

VO 1: You could always catch up with your cousin?

Yes, Lionel with his lizard people conspiracies.

Chorus: What?!

VO 1: Also, why does he keep checking your pupils?

Chorus: Still free though! Oh so free!

VO 1: Oh, look at the time. Best you shape-shift down to the beach with your grandpa.

Chorus: Grandpapa and me!

VO 1: Your puce, leathery grandpa in his threadbare, sagging, soggy speedo.

Chorus: Hanging out, for free!

VO 1: Just stay at Town Lodge. A room, with your own bathroom, from only 680 per night. It’s better than free, actually.

Chorus: Less dodgy, more lodgy!

Pleasure Cave Script

VO 1: So, you’re heading home to Cape Town for the holidays.

You get to see Maggie.

Chorus: And it’s free!

VO 1: Yes, Maggie. Your deaf, cataracty Maltese poodle with renal failure and her own miniature dialysis machine.

Chorus: You get to stay for free!

VO1: You get to stay in your old room.

Chorus: For free!

VO 1: The room that seems to bear the brunt of Maggie’s incurable irritable bowel syndrome.

Chorus: Scoop-a-da-poop, it’s free!

VO 1: Well, there’s always the guestroom… now known as the Pleasure Cave, after your parents’ tantric sex workshop with a kaftan-clad hippy named Jill.

Chorus: Namaste for free!

VO 1: What about your uncle? Your uncle Gavin, who insists you call him Uncy Gavvy. Like you used to. When you were four.

Chorus: Deal with Gavvy, ‘cause it’s for free!

VO 1: Just stay at Town Lodge. A room with a door that locks, from only 680 per night. It’s better than free, actually.

Chorus: Less dodgy, more lodgy!

Lumpy Futon Script

VO 1: You’re visiting your family for the long weekend. Finally, you get to sleep in.

Chorus: And it’s free!

VO 1: Sleep in on the lumpy, stained futon you once thought made you look ‘zen’.

Also, why is it damp?

Chorus: It’s swampy, but it’s free!

VO 1: You get to wake up to the familial sounds of your childhood.

Like your dad’s thick, guttural morning snorts.

Chorus: (Cough) Free!

VO 1: Now that you’re up, why not just indulge in a long, hot bath?

Chorus: Free!

VO 1: A bath interrupted by your mother asking how to take a photo from the ‘Whatsup’ and put it on the Facebook.

Chorus: Who gave her that smartphone for free?!

VO 1: Maybe a quick walk round the block with your gran?

Chorus: Free!

VO 1: Yes, your gran. And her osteoporosis support group.

Chorus: Zimmer frame shuffle, for free!

VO 1: Just stay at Town Lodge. Your own room, with a comfy, happy mattress, from only 680 per night. It’s better than free, actually.

Chorus: Less dodgy, more lodgy!

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