We created a fake airline, aptly named BLAH Airlines, to embody everything that’s wrong with generic carriers. We introduced BLAH with a 5-hour and 45-minute recreation of a cross-country flight, from takeoff to landing. It captured the reasons flying with most airlines sucks, like limited food options, bad in-flight entertainment, and annoying flight attendants. Instead of real people, we cast dummies to capture the soullessness of BLAH. They were styled to look like the generic people you see in airplane safety manuals.

Everyone has experienced a bad flight at some point. We simply put a mirror in front of travelers so as to say, “You have a choice. So why are you flying like this?”

Also, though the word seems to be universal, it’s worth noting that the word “blah” is used to refer to anything that is boring and uneventful. That’s why we chose this word in naming our generic airline.

Video opens on interior of a generic airplane cabin. The lighting is harsh, the seats are old, and the general ambiance leaves much to be desired.

SFX: Baby crying, back of chair being pushed, humming of passengers.

We reveal that the passengers onboard are, in fact, dummies. In typical dummy fashion, they’re bored stiff.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ladies and gentleman. Welcome to flight 101 of Blah Airlines. We are going to go non-stop now, to the city that never sleeps, San Francisco, California.

SFX: Ding, ding, baby crying

Then we hear the captain speak through the intercom.

CAPTAIN: Hahahah! Oh boy. Hahhah! Oh Jerry. Jerry you are right. Ugh. Alright. Back to the grind. Flight 101. Service from uh Newark tooooo Sssssan Francisco? Estimated flight time is . . . 5 hours and 45 minutes? Ugh . . . we are currently 7th in line for take off and are expected to be in the air in approximately 7 minutes time. I would say sorry about the wait but I’m just the messenger. Sit tight.

SFX: Ding, ding, baby crying

We cut to an annoying passenger, the typical over-talker one tries to avoid on a plane.

PASSENGER: Oh, there he goes again! Let me know if my elbow is encroaching on your arm rest space. My arms are unusually long for my height so it can be hard to navigate in confined spaces like this. But the last thing I want to be is an arm rest hog.

CAPTAIN: Um so bad news folks. Um. Uh. Looks like we ran into a little hiccup. Uh. Before we take off, we uh need to track down some luggage. Apparently got lost somewhere in the shuffle. We’re not sure what happened. Bit of a mystery, actually. We don’t know where it went. Yeah. You know, who knows. Who knows what happened. It could have been anything. But uh, it’s a good sign that it’s gone. Because if we didn’t know that it was gone, we wouldn’t know to look for it. So uh that’s definitely positive. Uh we do have a team out there looking for it. Trying to crack the case. Don’t really have an ETA on this one but uh once we find a fair amount of it, we’ll get this show on the road but uh if not, you know, these things happen. We got a real caper on our hands. Sit tight.

SFX: Ding ding.

< silence >

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Okay guys, um, I mean ladies and gentleman. We just have an update on the luggage situation. The update is that we um still don’t have any new information regarding your luggage. Some of it is on the plane, some of it is not. So I thought just to expedite, help expedite, things um, maybe we could just get go through some things that may be missing. Um. Did anyone here have a black suitcase.

PASSENGERS: Yeah, me, yeah, I did.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: A black suitcase? Please just say, yes.

The passengers start to get really annoyed.

PASSENGERS: YES.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT … if you do have a black suitcase, we’ll try and get it on the plane. Okay, it appears we have a lot of black suitcases um being called by passengers but we are not sure if we have all of these black suitcases on the plane as of yet. Um wait hold on tight. Wait one moment. Um alright so does anybody here, um did anybody bring - I am just trying to get a count. A head count. How many people brought um rectangular suitcases on the plane?

PASSENGERS: Mumbling, yes, I did.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Because we don’t know if we have all of the rectangular suitcases so we just want to get a check. You don’t need to raise your hand. Just say “aye.” If so. Say “aye.”

PASSENGERS: Various passengers say, “aye.”

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Okay that appears to be a lot of you. Um people are getting a little upset. Understandable. But this is going to be – hold on tight.

SFX: Ding ding

6:52

7:46

CAPTAIN: Ladies and gentleman. So we’ve got uh - some of the bags have been recovered. Uh Not all of it. I got my bags. And they are giving me the go ahead to uh get this show on the road. So uh we are going to go through the safety procedures. Pay attention.

SFX: Ding ding

A flight attendant, dressed in an Eastern-bloc inspired uniform, gives a soulless safety demonstration to complement a prerecorded announcement.

SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT: Thank you for choosing Blah Airlines. So that you may follow along, we have provided a safety instruction card in your seat pocket. First, please fasten your seat belt. To fasten your seat belt, insert the metal fitting into the buckle and pull the loose end of the strap to tighten. To lift open, lift up on the the buckle. We recommend you keep your seat belt fastened at all times as turbulence can occur unexpectedly. All exists on this plane are clearly marked. Please refer to the safety instruction card to locate your nearest exit. Keep in mind the closest exit may be behind you. Each cabin exit door and some exit windows are equipped with an evacuation slide. Some slides, except for those over the wings, may also be used as rafts. In case of an evacuation, please leave all carry on bags behind and approach the nearest exit. If the aircraft carrier cabin loses pressure, the panel above your seat containing oxygen masks will open automatically. While remaining seated with your seat belt fastened, quickly reach for the nearest mask and pull down firmly to start the flow of oxygen. Put the yellow cup under your nose and mouth. Slip the elastic band over your head and tighten by pulling the straps on either side of the front of the mask. Breathe normally. Even though oxygen is flowing, the plastic bag may not inflate. Always put your own mask on first, and then help others near you. In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device. Remove the lower cushion and put your arms through the straps found on the opposite side. A life vest is located under the seat, between seats, or in a compartment in the seat in front of you. The safety instruction card shows the exact location. Remove the vest from the package. Put the vest on over your head. Wrap the strap around your waist and attach the buckle. Pull the loose end of the strap to tighten. Once outside, pull down the red tab to inflate the vest. Or blow into the red tube on the right side of the vest. There is also a illuminate upon contact with the water. Never inflate the vest inside the airplane. The crew will now be coming through to do a final cabin check. Thank you for your attention and for choosing Blah Airlines.

SFX: Ding ding.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ladies and gentleman, fasten your seat belts at this time and secure all baggage underneath your seat or in the overhead compartments. We also ask that your seat and tray tables are in the upright position. Also turn off all electronic devices including lap tops and cell phones. Smoking is prohibited for the duration of the flight. Thank you for choosing Blah Airlines.

SFX: Ding ding

FLIGHT ATTENDANT (male): Excuse me. Honey. Honey. We are about to take off. You need to get in your seat and buckle up. Okay?

CAPTAIN: Crew. Prepare for take off.

CAPTAIN: Currently cruising at an altitude of thirty three thousand feet. Speed of 400 miles per hour. Um we’re in a plane. So we’re going to see some weather. Could be turbulence. If we see some sky – clouds. That looks good. Tail wind on our side, we are expecting to land in approximately, I don’t know … we are behind schedule I guess. The cabin crew will be coming around to offer you a late snack and beverage. Get excited. And uh your in flight movie will begin shortly. We’ll talk to you again before we reach our destination. ‘Til then, sit back, relax and enjoy Blah.

SFX: Ding ding.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ladies and gentleman, the plane is in the sky, we’re on our way, we’re excited and we wanted to give some information for you guys. Uh we wanted to give you information regarding ways to keep in touch with us. Let’s keep in touch. Let’s hang out. Let’s get you guys online at www dot dot sorry blah airlines dot com. That’s www then a dot then b-l then a-h then a-i-r-l-i-n-e-s dot c-o-m. You can also follow us on twitter. Our twitter handle is that at symbol then it’s capital cb, lowercase l, lowercase a, lowercase h, underscore. That’s that line that’s really low down. Then you are going to get a capital a, lowercase i, lowercase r, lowercase l, lowercase I, lowercase n, lowercase, e and finally a lowercase s. Eh if you are going to tweet us make sure to put that at symbol squiggly thing before the aforementioned handle.

SFX: Ding ding

MOM: Chloe stop it. Stop it. You do not stop doing that or we are going to turn this flight right around.

MOM: Chloe! Chloe! Do not make me lose my voice. Chloe what did we talk about. Stop it. Chloe. Chloe. Stop it.

SFX: Ding

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Flight attendants will be coming down the aisles momentarily offering snack options. The snack options that we have available for you today are . . . peanuts.

SFX: Ding ding

We see a flight attendant walk down the aisle, offering only peanuts in the way of food.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Anybody want peanuts? Peanuts? Peanuts? Peanuts anybody? Peanuts. Peanuts. Peanuts.

PASSENGER: You going to eat those peanuts? Your peanuts. Are you going to eat them? I mean I will eat them if you don’t eat them if you don’t want them. You just never know these days. People these days and their diets. You got your gluten free, you got your standard vegetarian. You got your pescatarian. They don’t eat meat except for fish. Of course there is also your vegans. They don’t eat eggs or uh no milk, no eggs. No cheese either. I tell you, I don’t think I could survive without cheese. Cheese is like a staple of my diet, I’d say. Balances everything out. Cheese goes with everything. Cheese. Wine and cheese. You got Grapes. Fruits. Various fruits. And cheeses. Apples even. Sometimes sliced apples and cheese is not a bad combination. You got nachos. Cheese. Cheese on chips. You got Cheese burgers. Cheese on burgers. You got macaroni cheese. That’s pasta on cheese. You got Mexican food. Has cheese all over it. It’s on everything. How can you not each cheese? If I had to make a choice between meat and cheese, I would be a cheese eater probably. Guess that makes me a cheese eater. A cheese eater. You know, my daughter is on this vegan diet.

SFX: Child kicking seat and repeating, “Everybody’s sad. Everybody’s sad.”

PASSENGER (continued): And I’ve got to say, I don’t see how that can be good for you. No cheese? Then you have your caveman diet of course eating nuts and raw meat. Everyone is doing something different. And everyone is saying something different. Who do you trust?

SFX: Child kicking seat repeatedly

MUSIC: Instrumental country music plays in headphones of passenger

MUSIC: Instrumental contemporary music plays in headphones of passenger.

MUSIC: Instrumental new age music plays in headphones of passenger.

Our hero passenger changes the channel on his audio headset to listen to the Inflight Audio Dictionary Channel. On BLAH, this is sadly considered entertainment.

ANNOUNCER ON HEADPHONES: Welcome to Blah Airlines inflight entertainment audio dictionary channel. Page 1. Letter 1. The letter A. First word – A. Noun. Plural, A. A or as. 1. the first letter of the English alphabet. A vowel. 2. Any spoken sound represented by the letter A as in big hat father or small. 3. Something having the shape of an A. 4. A written or printed representation of the letter A. 5. A device or printers type for reproducing the letter A. Idioms 6. From a to Z to beginning to end. Thoroughly and completely. He knows the bible from A to Z. 7. Not know from A to B. To know nothing be ignorant. A indefinite article 1. Not any particular or certain one of a class or group. A man, A chemical One at a time. A Miss Johnson called. 3. Another one typically resembling a series in eloquence o a Jonah. 4. One a plural. Used before plural nouns that are preceded by a quantifier singular in form. A hundred men. Compared hundreds of men. A dozen times compare a dozen of times. 5. Indefinitely or non specifically used with adjectives expressing number. A great many years. A few Stars. 6. 1. Used before a noun expressing quantity. A yard of ribbon. A score of times 7. Any a single, not a one. Origin middle English pre-continental. Variant of on. Confused with A1. Word number 2. Aardvark of Central and South –

Our hero passenger takes out his laptop. He sees an error message beep on his computer due to no wi-fi on plane.

Bored stiff, our hero tries to pass the time by reading Air Junk, the inflight magazine. Snoring continues.

SFX: Ding

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ladies and gentleman, we have another announcement for you guys. We will be starting in flight feature momentarily. Tonight we are excited to present to you. The film Lover’s Nest. The straight to DVD release, now available on our plane.

PASSENGERS: Boo, nooo.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: The romantic comedy that shows you what happens when love goes suddenly wrong that it ends up going really right. If you don’t like romantic comedies, you are not a fan of love and that’s just really sad.

MOVIE BEGINS WITH “LOVER’S NEST” TITLE CARD

Cheesy theme song music comes up. We can barely make out the film, as the shared TV monitor is so far away .

MALE ACTOR: Oh hey, can you pass me bag of bread. It’s in the bread bag.

FEMALE ACTOR: Oh sure, here you go. You must get really hungry when you come to Central Park.

MALE ACTOR: I do. But I am more hungry for adventure, here in Central Park where it’s sunny. And you?.

FEMALE ACTOR: Oh I like to just come here and sketch in my sketch book.

MALE ACTOR: Your sketch book has so many nice sketches in them, here in Central Park on this sunny day. I am Chazz. Two Zs at the end of my name.

FEMALE ACTOR: Oh, wow. My name is Robin. My mom named me after a breed of bird.

MALE ACTOR: There are many such birds here in this park called Central Park. I am so glad we’re together. Hey look, there’s a pigeon.

FEMALE ACTOR: Yes, I see many pigeons here.

MALE ACTOR: You know, I could talk about pigeons all day. They are the must under respected birds here in this park.

FEMALE ACTOR: Yeah, I never thought about it like that. I always thought pigeons were kind of ugly and grey.

MALE ACTOR: Not in my eyes. They are beautiful birds.

FEMALE ACTOR: What is your favorite thing about the pigeon?

MALE ACTOR: I love the reflection of the sun on their feathers. Do you see? There is purple glint on them.

FEMALE ACTOR: Oh there really is.

MALE ACTOR: Gosh, are you hungry?

FEMALE ACTOR: Yeah it’s been a while since I had a good New York meal.

MALE ACTOR: Well you came to the right place. I know New York like the back of my hand.

FEMALE ACTOR: Really? Then we must walk through Strawberry Fields and you should take me to your favorite diner.

MALE ACTOR: That would be more than my pleasure. Come with me please. Do you like spaghetti?

FEMALE ACTOR: I love spaghetti.

MALE ACTOR: Oh my gosh I can’t believe this is happening.

FEMALE ACTOR: I never thought that I would happen upon a man in Central park.

MALE ACTOR: Who likes spaghetti.

MALE ACTOR: Well here we are. This is my favorite restaurant of all in New York City.

FEMALE ACTOR: You’re kidding me.

MALE ACTOR: I don’t joke around about food. I’m quite serious.

FEMALE ACTOR: It’s my favorite restaurant too.

MALE ACTOR: No way. Jump back. Are you serious? We have a lot in common. The love of spring, New York City, and the fresh air.

FEMALE ACTOR: We’re so much alike. I’ve never met anyone that loves spring and New York City before.

MALE ACTOR: Hmm well, what should we order?

FEMALE ACTOR: Hmmm how about the chicken?

MALE ACTOR: Or as I like to say, La Poulet. Do you know what that means?

FEMALE ACTOR: I think it means chicken.

MALE ACTOR: Bingo. You’re smart. And cute.

FEMALE ACTOR: Thank you. You seem like you are very off beat yourself.

MALE ACTOR: I guess I like to think of myself as an offbeat explorer of sorts.

FEMALE ACTOR: Yet, you always come back to this same restaurant.

MALE ACTOR: Well, like every bird you have to have a nest. And this is my nest full of delicious food. Oh here is our waiter now. We’d like two Le Poulet’s please. Would you like some water?

FEMALE ACTOR: Yes, please. Sparkling water.

MALE ACTOR: That’s because you have a sparkle in your eye.

FEMALE ACTOR: Oh stop.

MALE ACTOR: What were sketching in the park back there at Central Park?

FEMALE ACTOR: It was a new fashion design collection for the next runway show.

MALE ACTOR: Oh my gosh. That is amazing

FEMALE ACTOR: Yeah, a little different than pigeons.

FEMALE ACTOR: What do you do for a living?

MALE ACTOR: I study nests but I just don’t have my own.

FEMALE ACTOR: Nests? Like what a bird lives in?

MALE ACTOR: The very same.

FEMALE ACTOR: Wow.

MALE ACTOR: You catch on quick. I have an aviary on top of my roof. I have many messenger pigeons.

FEMALE ACTOR: Do you send messages with your pigeons often?

MALE ACTOR: Sometimes. But it’s sometimes lonely too.

FEMALE ACTOR: Yeah, I understand I spend a lot of time by myself sketching. Just surrounded by pigeons in the park.

MALE ACTOR: And that is where I found you today.

FEMALE ACTOR: That is quite funny. Oh here are our chickens,

MALE ACTOR: And they are glazed with a sauce a l’orange.

FEMALE ACTOR: Do you speak many languages?

MALE ACTOR: Peut être. That means maybe in French.

FEMALE ACTOR: I love Paris.

Imagine if we could fly there like a pigeon.

FEMALE ACTOR: Wow, what a dream.

MALE ACTOR: That is what life is like. A beautiful dream,

FEMALE ACTOR: Well maybe some day we will run into each other at Central Park in Paris.

MALE ACTOR: Gosh, do you think they have one there?

FEMALE ACTOR: They have to.

FEMALE ACTOR: Well this is my brownstone.

MALE ACTOR: It really is. Brown. Wow.

FEMALE ACTOR: Well we sure did walk across the Brooklyn Bridge to get to it.

MALE ACTOR: And wasn't that a beautiful stroll indeed.

FEMALE ACTOR: It’s one of my favorites.

MALE ACTOR: This city is incredible. There are so many cars and people. And cigarette smoke too. I want to embrace you with my arms but I don’t know if I should. Should I?

FEMALE ACTOR: You always should.

MALE ACTOR: Then here I go. Be prepared for my arms around you.

FEMALE ACTOR: Oh here they are. Thank you.

MALE ACTOR: And as they say in French, de rien.

FEMALE ACTOR: I love it when they that.

MALE ACTOR: They say a lot of great things, actually. You are warm, like a pigeon.

FEMALE ACTOR: Do you cuddle your pigeons often?

MALE ACTOR: Yes, but they are smaller than you and they have no smiles.

FEMALE ACTOR: Well I hope someday you can love me like you love your pigeons.

MALE ACTOR: I think I can if I tr—

Our hero passenger falls asleep and we enter a crazy dream sequence, where we see footage of birds, clouds, and dogs playing Frisbee, fireworks….

SFX: Ding

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ladies and gentleman, some of you have been complaining about the temperature so we are going to go ahead and turn on the air.

SFX: Ding ding

We start to see the passengers’ hair blowing as the air conditioner is cranked up to the max.

Passengers: Oh my god, it’s so cold, why is it so called. Shivering. Slight chill in the air right now. I should have brought my parka.

PASSENGER: I am pretty sure she just gave you the stink eye. Hmm.

SFX: Ding.

CAPTAIN: Ladies and gentleman, we’re hitting a little pocket of turbulence. Uh sure everything will be fine. Never say never though. Hold on tight.

SFX: Ding

CAPTAIN: yeah, Um if you look out your windows, we’re coming up to what appears to be an you’ll notice endless field of wheat. Or a crop of some sort. Like a completely flat unchanging ocean of uniform color. Looks like a brownish. Brownish yellow. It’s kind of interesting when you actually think about it. It’s not actually uniform but it’s made up of individual stocks of wheat. But uh from this height, appears to be a completely flat plane of pure color. Not plane in the uh sense of an airplane but in the sense of a geometric figure. Like a surface. A flat surface. Um there is absolutely nothing, nothing down there. And in that sense, it’s kind of interesting. Maybe there’s a farmer down there somewhere. You know, shopping his wheat. Maybe a horse and a couple cows. But they are so small that we can’t see them. That’s perspective for you. Things in the distance appear smaller but they aren’t actually smaller. They are just far away. Uh. Yeah. So when they say that’s just your perspective that means it’s not necessarily true, it’s just how you see it. Anyways, take a look.

SFX: Ding ding.

A flight attendant comes on over the speaker, announcing a game (BLAH’s pathetic attempt at inflight entertainment).

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ladies and gentleman we are really excited to present to you at this time our two tenths of the way trivia game. Where it is up to you, the passenger, to try and guess where we are flying in the sky right now based on our distance which is two tenths of the way there. SO this is your opportunity to guess correctly. And if you guess correctly, you will win a round trip supply of cocktail napkins. Way, So get those answers in. Don’t forget to put your seat number down.

< child kicks chair in front of him repeatedly>

PASSENGER: Here we go again.

CHILD: Hey Mister, what is wrong with you. Why the long face? Gobble gobble gobble. “cause you are a turkey. Turkey can’t even fly. Turkeys have wings and can’t even fly. You can’t fly.

< child kicks chair in front of him repeatedly>

CHILD: Hey mister, hey mister, my mom is sleeping. Why do turkeys have wings but can’t fly? Why not? Why not? You don’t look very happy. Everybody’s sad, everybody’s sad. Everybody’s sad. Everybody. Everybody. Saaaaaaad.

The flight attendant comes down the aisle again, offering—you guessed it—peanuts.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: More peanuts. More peanuts, more peanuts. More peanuts. Peanuts. Peanuts. Peanuts.

We hear the annoying passenger to our hero’s right hand side, named Theresa, counting her peanuts.

THERESA: (eating peanuts) Could use some water with it too. But guess we’ll let them stand alone. No Peanuts. Let’s see how many are in this bag. Let’s count. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 .why don’t we all start over. 1 peanut, 2 peanuts, 3, 4, 5. Ah I just finished them. Stopped counting. Those were some good peanuts. I just – you know it really makes me feel bad for people that can’t have peanuts. Some people have peanut allergy. And it’s gotta be tough for them because it’s really good. And when you hear someone eating peanuts and you can’t have them yourself, you know, it’s just painful. “cause I really enjoy them. I think when you hear the sound of a peanut you really want them. Oh wow, I just found another package of peanuts. Don’t judge me I am hungry. Feel so guilty eating all these peanuts but they are so dang delicious. Never mind that’s all the offer on the plane. So a girls gotta eat. My blood sugar really goes down if I don’t eat every 45 minutes or so. So they are gonna give me the nuts. It’s the only options I have. It’s not so much that I am eating too many peanuts it’s just that I want to keep my levels in check otherwise . oh you don’t want to be around me. Not good. If I don’t have my peanuts, just something to eat, I brought some ribs actually for the flight. But I am going to save that for later in the flight when I get real hungry. They are really not a fan of feeding people on this Blah Airlines. That’s it. Get these away from me. Get the peanuts away from me. I have got to stop eating these peanuts right this second. If I keep eating these peanuts my head is going to keep getting bigger. I am telling you. I put on weight in my head. It’s very perplexing. In fact, if you were to put my head right now next to a watermelon, I think you would have a hard time figuring out which one is bigger. Got a watermelon for a head. Really could go for some watermelon right now. That sounds, that sounds delicious. Now they got these seedless watermelons. It’s amazing. How do you get the seeds out of the watermelon? You open it up and it’s amazing. There are no seeds in the watermelon. How did they do that? It’s really just a mystery to me.

The passenger to our hero’s left replies to the woman. Our hero is stuck in the middle seat between an endlessly boring conversation.

PASSENGER: I overhead you talking about watermelon over there and I just thought I would add something. You were asking how they remove the seeds. But truth be told, they don’t. The seeds are actually still in there, they are actually just much smaller. They are smaller and no longer black. They are very small white ones and you are consuming them you just don’t realize it. A lot of people don’t understand that. They are not seedless technically. They are simply smaller seeds but personally I actually appreciate the seeds in a normal watermelon because I am not big on genetic modification which is typically what they do. I don’t really typically like people messing with my food if you know what I mean. I am kind of an all natural type of guy personally. Uh I get a lot of exercise, I stay fit, and watch what I eat. Mostly not because I am worried about my figure. You seem to worry about your figure. Um I am not really. But it’s more about my mental capacity, I find that when I eat right, my brain functions at a higher level, my memory is better, and um I actually tested this one time. I tested my brain function on healthy foods versus uh fatty foods. I ate fast foods for a week and I noticed a significant difference in my brain function. I can usually have all of the television programs memorized for prime-time every day. I know you know, this show is coming after that show, coming after this show and I noticed that I started to have holes in my schedules in my brain, if you know what I mean and it was a little bit disturbing I gotta say because when you consider you know all the strange things that go into your food and you consider how brain’s performance is related to that. Most people are not operating at their optimum brain level and how I’m saying is diet really does have an effect on your personality even. I noticed that I am happier, more affable, I socialize more. If you’d notice, I’m having a long conversation with you right now. Now, If I had been eating fast food all day, maybe I wouldn’t be a sociable if I am being right now. Maybe, I would be a no no, a little left prone to just challenge you know put a stranger that I have just met. Not that you’re a stranger, I feel like that we’re getting along pretty well, I feel like we could be friends possibly at that point in the future, if you would be open to that, I would consider that myself. I don’t know if you would any interested possibly continuing this relationship, it doesn’t even have to be in person. I have relationship with people over the internet, you know with email. When the internet first came out on chat room, I had many relationships with many nice people that have lasted to this day and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that internet relationships. I think that internet there to connect people and it connected me to a lot of people and without a physical relationship. I never see these people but I don’t feel like I need to see these people to consider that friends. I feel like you could fall in love with a person in mind and it’s kind of nice actually, it’s little less confusing anyhow. If you would be open to that, maybe some time we could exchange emails over the course of the flight, no pressure of course but I find you interesting, I thought that you would interest what I’m saying about peanuts earlier and if you wanted to continue that life conversation somewhere in the future, we could do that you know, anyways. I could talk about anything though, it doesn’t have to be a peanut. If you want to talk about we felt together. There are so many things that I’ve been really talk to people that I gotta have the chance to. I actually keep a list of topics per conversation...

THERESA: You don’t say..

PASSENGER: Some people might seem that’s weird but I actually personally feel that it just makes you a more sociable person. If you don’t have nothing to talk about then I could be just quiet in my book and look.

THERESA: Oh, that’s what’s all about. Okay, I am very impressed. You Sir seem very educated. Well, my memory is not what it was used to be but there’s hope. One of my friends, I think I can’t remember who it was, a

Tina but one of my friend was sure has started drinking this beverage or I think its an herbal solution or something sort called Gingkgo Biloba and it has improved her memory 10 fold. Yeah I don’t remember where it’s from to be honest, sounds its like some sort of future world like Japan or something.

PASSENGER: You know the Japanese really have it all figured out with technology, with everything that they’re developing, it’s a they’re so far they got robots everywhere, we don’t have robots yet. You know, I think we’ve been promised robot but I’m a little bit disappointed that robots are not more present in society yet. We’ve got of course robots that do things you know like build things, robots taking are jobs but I could have a robot a friend personally. So, I am that friend of technology, some people fear it, I do not. I find it interesting. If I had a robot as a friend, I would treat him just as like I would treat a human being because in my mind what is really the difference between some sort of artificial conscience is a human brain. To be honest, I don’t really know because I think we gotta thought advance nowadays that it’s hard to tell the difference. One time I was chatting with a person for many many months, actually and I felt we had an intimate relationship, we were very close and then I realized I was talking to one of those chatbox. You know that, it was one of the consumer websites and it wasn’t even the real person I was talking to, it was a robot and that had me convinced right there that, that would be a thing that robot are people too and so I had bumper sticker made and I picked one on my car and I feel like I’m just sort of a robot and act of it for robot rights that actually what I consider myself. You know if you ask me by profession, I am a robot activist, I had a spent a lot of time…

Our hero passenger falls asleep again, and we cut into another trippy dream sequence.

VOICE IN A DREAM: You have graduated a new research. Where do you wanna go? What do you need? Anything you want? We can take you.

VOICE IN A DREAM: Are you thirsty? How I value everyone. It’s a celebration. Happy birthday. Want some milk? Mother’s milk.

VOICE IN A DREAM: Cheese, Cheese, Cheese

VOICE IN A DREAM: You must be hungry. How about a peanut? Chicken for dinner. That’s right. How about a turkey? You’re a turkey.

VOICE IN A DREAM: How about some peanuts? More peanuts.

VOICE IN A DREAM: Congratulations!

VOICE IN A DREAM: Wow, it’s beautiful!

VOICE IN A DREAM: We can take you anywhere. You deserve it now. Relax. Take a load off. Sweet Dreams. Are you cold? Have a blanket. I have your blanket. Sir, got your blanket. Sir, are you sleeping? Sir, I have your blanket.

Our hero passenger is awoken by a flight attendant who won’t let him just relax.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Sir, excuse me Sir. Man in yellow shirt. Calling man in yellow shirt, excuse me. Are you awake Sir? Excuse me Sir. Hello. Over, over, hello, are you there? Sir, excuse me, would you like a blanket? Here’s a blanket, here you go, just leave it in your chest here.

The flight attendant walks away, incredibly annoyed by the passengers.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh my Gosh, they expect me to do everything for them. They come over here, they don’t say a word. It’s like they expect me to be a mind reader. Sleeping or awake, hot or cold, hungry or thirsty, how can I help them if they don’t say a word.

Our hero passenger falls asleep and we enter another dream sequence yet again.

VOICE IN A DREAM: I think I have to pee. You’ve got to come.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Sir, are you asleep Sir? Sir? Sir? Are you asleep Sir? nod if yes. Sir, I got your coffee Sir. Decaf. Sir, Sir, Sir, someone in your seat, press the button and it would make much sense for you to be asleep now, would it? You press the button Sir, which indicates that you wanted your coffee. Why aren’t you receiving your coffee Sir? I don’t know why you’re not taking it. Okay, I’m going to leave it here, it’s decaf, bye bye.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Everybody here thinks that they’re a king sitting on their throne. Then the passengers are kings. King 23A, King 23B, window seat king, isle seat king asking for stuffs and going asleep with the kings. Oh your highness, you need anything? You’re sleep now? Okay no problem, I got to work things right away.

The annoying passenger in the window seat starts a long rant about coffee.

PASSENGER: Coffee, huh? You know, I’m surprised they still serve coffee. What would the economy and everything, everybody’s tightening their belts. You think coffee would be the first thing they go with all the all coffee prices these days. Two bucks for coffee coffee, 5 bucks for a cup of coffee, 6 bucks getting into 7 dollars even some other places, the gourmet coffee places. I remember when a cup of coffee was 10 cents has the price of making a cup of coffee really going up. 24, 34, 44 hasn’t really going up that much. This coffee is worth may be like a dime, a nickel, you know, how much it is worth. That again, I don’t know if you could really call that a cup of coffee. I wonder what a coffee bean to a water ratio is to that cup of coffee you know like, maybe 4 or 5 beans to an cup of coffee at the most but that generous. Probably, 2 beans to 1 cup of coffee and I don’t think you can call that a coffee. You know, that’s the thing, it’s more like water with some coffee flavor. A sprinkle of coffee, sprinkling a little coffee in their water. Thanks for the water honey. All of the cup of hot water with a little bit of coffee on top. Then again, everything past on the coffee these days like a latte which is primarily milk actually. The other day, a friend of mine, a good friend of mine, we’ve good pretty close over the past few years but I have to take issue in particular request. She said, can you get me a coffee anyway? Like a good friend, I will get a coffee and I would ask if you like anything. You should think yeah, I’d like a coffee anyhow. I get her an order of coffee and maybe I bring it back to go this isn’t coffee. I said “huh?” and she’s like “I like that latte” and I said “Oh, well that’s not to be” I didn’t realize the vocabulary for coffee with a brewed. People call latte is coffee sometimes. “Can you get me a coffee” when they really mean latte. Oh I have a coffee in mine, what kind of coffee do you want? Do you want a real coffee or do you want one of these other drinks, these milk drinks partners for coffee. It’s incredibly frustrating, I like a coffee though. I have got like trying to hate on coffee or anything. I enjoy a cup of joe in the morning, I wake up with a half white cup of joe and you know I understand that coffee is a drug. A lot of people don’t realize that coffee is a drug. It may be like the most widely abused drug that there is. Fortunately, all that happens if you have too much coffee is you go a little dragged up. I remember that time I had a 12 cups of coffee in a course of an hour, I was bouncing off the walls. A little bit tired then but I did not kill anybody and that’s the thing. What exactly are the dangers of drinking too much coffee. I make my coffee at home but it’s not just as simple as getting a coffee maker. There is many different ways of making coffee at home these days, you have your trip coffee, you have your French press, you have your standard coffee maker, you have your coffee pod technology, your auto single serving cup coffee pod technology, you have your cold brewed, you have all of kinds of contraptions, all of these gimmicks to sell you a bag of coffee which is kind of funny and it’s really difficult when you get down to it, there’s probably too many choices because it’s not really that much of a difference between the tripper and the automatic tripper or the tripper with the glitter grooves on it and these kind of filter or that kind of filter is there’s really a difference “I don’t really think so” personally not that enough of a difference to merit somebody. What a similar to that is razors, it seems like every year, they come out with a new type of razor to shave your face with but razors are allowed thousands of years. Can we really improve upon the razor? Again this year, yes. Let me tell you, I’m coming out with a new razor this year. This razor has vibrations, it vibrates your face. So you get your fancy packages and you got your different colors and it catches your eyes that they are making another commercial spending a million dollar that don’t really need a commercial about the razor. Again, how could this razor works? Well, you know people are buying I guess so keep it up. I guess, people are buying these new razors I don’t know. I’m still using a straight razor personally, just the old fashioned kind, I like that. I just like the sort of getting up in the morning getting by straight razor while I have to recap my face, the process of, I like to spend that kind shaving my face, it feels good mentally and physically, I'm using my hands. When I sit front in a computer all day, that feels pretty good, it’s like the renditions. It sorts like of the renditions is sort of meditative or like baking bread. It’s not like I don’t appreciate innovation or anything.

PASSENGER: I am an Engineer, I appreciate innovation. I could consider myself innovator of a sort but there’s just too many choices. When you think about it, that catch would be considered the problem with the world as a whole. There’s just too many choices with the internet and the world wide web. You’re going on there and you’re saying “Okay, I want to buy book”, “where do I buy this book?” Well, you got like 50 different choices where I can buy this book. Well, have you choose? Most people are just going to choose by price or price is not necessarily the best indicator of choosing where to buy your book. Too many choices and then you got people that really overwhelm and they got anxiety over how many choices they’re all and they freezing up and suddenly they can’t even make a choice. Back in the old days, you got like maybe two choices, so that’s a little bit easier to make a decision about your life and there wasn’t anxiety, and there wasn’t worry and the people are worry works. With all of these choices and you fear radically choices should be a good thing but it’s not that simple because choice is hard, it’s hard to make decisions. It’s very hard to make decisions but you have to learn to make choices.

A flight attendant walks down the aisle, accosting our poor hero passenger.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Yes Sir, can I help you with something? You didn’t drink your coffee. You want me to help you drink your coffee? You want me to hold it for you, you want me to hold the cup up to your mouth? Why didn’t you drink your coffee Sir? Or you decided you didn’t want any coffee? Oh, I’m so sorry. Okay, you’ve changed your mind. I’ll just take that away from you now okay? Yeah. Anything else I can do for you while I am over here or maybe I’ll just walk back and forth, back and forth just for you. That’s right ‘cos you’re a special passenger, just let me know if you still need another cup of coffee to not drink. Thank you.

Our hero passenger tries to get work done on his computer, but the pilot interrupts with a comically annoying announcement.

CAPTAIN: Hello everybody. So, are you getting bored? You know I do on this place, really bored. Anyways, what I do when I get really anxious and is to meditate. So, just put in out there that you might consider. Meditation is I found really good tool for situations like this. It’s all about embracing the boredom. Like, embracing…nothing.

CAPTAIN: If you need a mantra, I just go with the old standby a “ohhmmm.” So if anybody wants to join in. I’m just going to go for it. “Ohhhhhmmmm….”

CAPTAIN: It’s all about the breathing. It’s all about the breathing, you got to master, you got the breathing. So, you got to focus on the breath. Just ooohm. But don’t think you can think, that’s a thing. So you got to want to think but I’m not trying to say not to think, just don’t try to think and maybe you’ll eventually stop thinking. Just focus on the breath.

The captain speaks so much that he wakes a crying baby passenger up.

CAPTAIN: Do you guys got it? Can you do it? Yeah? Great, alright.

We hear more of the baby crying and random ambient sounds of bored passengers. An attendant comes on over the speaker to announce a way to stay entertained during the “boredom situation.”

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, we have been getting report of extreme boredom in the cabin and in order to improve the boredom situation, we would like to suggest again to you called rock, paper, scissors and you use your hand to form a shape of a rock, you use your hand to form a shape of paper, you also have the option to use your hand to form a shape of scissors and what you do is you put your hands out and if there’s two people, one has a rock, one has a paper, and one has the scissors, you don’t know what you’re going to get. If you have rock, you’re going to beat scissor because a rock is on top of the scissors. If you get paper, you will beat the rock because a paper wraps around the rock and if you get scissors, you’ll beat paper because you’re cutting through the paper but rock beats you because the rock lands on top of the scissors. So that’s just a suggestion to you guys really help out with the bore out there. Thank you.

Now, we hear an aerosol spray can and see spraying right in front of our hero passenger. The window seat passenger chimes in.

PASSENGER: Do you smell something? Excuse me, do you smell something?

THERESA: You know what, I cannot get enough his spray. I’d just keep spraying the hair, I just keep needing more.

PASSENGER: Boy, that is an intense odor. My eyes, they are watering to something in my direction.

THERESA: I think with flying is when you go up higher than you go, you stop using the volume of your hair and you really wanna maintain the volume. So you going to bring his spray with you, it’s kind of a pain you get through security but it will have through and you want to constantly maintain your hair by continuously spraying it. Keeping it up, keepin’ it good, looking good. You don’t know when you might run into a plane, you might run into an old boyfriend or something, your mother in-law, I don’t know, somebody and you want the best look at all times. I don’t leave a house without a tube of red cherry lipstick, I apply it when going out the door. I put on an eye shadow, I put on blue, sometimes I go on violet, but sometimes I’d like to keep settle with the blue violet can be more of a weekend thing. Then sometimes I put on my eyelash extension, I’m trying to keep that for the weekends too. I don’t have any at the moment unfortunately, so my eyes are looking smaller than they normally do. The eyelashes extension are really a lot so my eyes are like a puppet right now, so that’s is why I am making it especially making that effort to get that hair stand up because my face ain’t working my hair better be. The hair is the first thing you will notice to some people, especially when they are sitting down. You see the hair, sometimes the top of the head from behind. Sometimes he might fond to look at the hair. The higher up it is, the more likely you are to find that person attractive, because just the personality suggest a lot of women suggests she has adventure , suggests that she has big ideas about the future, she has big ideas about the world, she has a lot to share especially blonde like myself. Blonde big hair is just given a big statement. You know I’m lucky and blessed to have that hair, you know I do it on bleach every 6 to 7 weeks but not natural but who’s have natural blonde hair?. Yes I bleach my hair, hairspray, deep conditioned, you know the drill. Sometimes, I like to put on olive oil mask on it. When I do, I got 2 parts, olive oil, one part avocado. I mix it together in nights, sometimes I leave it overnight, the drill is some like that. Sometimes I leave little bit of avocado and oil on the pillows but you know you throw it on the wash when it’s fine. Really worth it, ‘cos what you’re going to do when you wake up, then you have a really rich, deep conditioned hair especially when you got blonde, bleached, it looks great, it’s just take a lot more maintenance. It takes a lot more to keep that level health up, think you’re gonna need this olive oil and avocado treatments. Another thing I like to do is sleep on a satin, you see when you sleep on a satin pillow, it is more unlikely your hair get to tangle, it’s just healthier for the hair. It also gives a nice look, a satin looks good on everything, it looks good on a pillow, it looks good on a cat, it looks good on a dress, of course a satin dress as I am always wearing a satin dress. I wore a satin dress on this flight before, you know in San Francisco, dress down, I am not going to dress like I am from San Francisco because nobody wants to look like that. Anyway, my nails are a whole other story. The cuticles, oh my goodness, these cuticles, I mean they cannot be helped. I was not born with the most attractive nail but these cuticles, my nail beds are not attractive to be honest. My friend Gina has nail beds that I would die for, she is able to with a flick of the wrist, show off this gorgeous hands, her gorgeous nails, really starts at a curve of a good nail bed. What I do take for that is a calcium supplement and studies have shown and suggested that there are no scientific evidence to my knowledge that if you take this calcium supplement, you really going to improve the health of the nail, the strength of the nail and the nail bed and of course of the nail. So yeah you know I don’t have the nails but I do the hair which is the most important thing. Some people think that shoes makes the big statement, but who’s looking at down all the time? You look going up, you’re looking at the head. I cannot see my shoes from here. I think we’re all little, tiny dolls or something I don’t know. The funny thing is I do all the effort to my hair and I am going to San Francisco where the women don’t even shave their legs, they never heard of a word razor but you know what I maintain? My look, no matter where I go, I wanna represent Jersey, I wanna represent my family well, I wanna represent myself well. I don’t care if I’m going to San Francisco or going to shower and you know hippies are running round the streets without any shoes on. You got to look good, you got to look good. My friend Tracy moved up there recently, she has a boyfriend there that she had met through the internet online. He seems like a respectable man and he works in a tech industry so he’s got a solid income, that how it started. For years, she could not get a man, I mean she would go out and take her out to dinner and be like “Honey, unbuttoned the top button, come on” and she’s so conservative. It was so hard for her to meet a man and she says to me, she says “you know what Theresa, I am ready to meet a man, I am really ready to make an effort” so as soon she was ready, I said, here’s what we’re gonna do, going to finish this last online, get a check, go home, get online, get on the computer on the internet it says a lot of sites out there for love, for people out there who are serious about love and we’re going to find you a solid man with good reputation, with respective mother that makes a solid income, and any other things that you need. You know if you need a 5 foot to seven, we will look into that but the most important thing is that he has a solid income and a good relationship with his mother and then you’ll be fine honey and you know what? Two weeks of online dating, she says tome “Theresa, I got a ticket to San Francisco” so she went to San Francisco and you know what, love is out there online.

THERESA: You look like a lonely man. You know what I wish to do right now? I wish we could open up a laptop computer, go online and create a profile for you. Unfortunately Blah Airline doesn’t provide an internet feature, they don’t have wifi on this flight so I can’t do that but you just look like a good man. You look like you have a lot to offer a women, you have blue eyes, you don’t smell particularly good or bad from this distance, it’s some kind of non-smell which is attractive. You can always add cologne if you really want to draw women, you just spray 3 or 4 sprays and that would help even more but it is nice because you have a solid foundation of a no scent which is helpful. You’re quiet, which leads me to believe that you’re caring and humble and really sensitive which a lot of women looking for, a lot of women just want a sensitive guy. My man Joey, can bench press 350 but he’s core, a little tight bear and that’s just really something that women are looking for and the quality that you have Sir that I really like is that you listen, you’re not interrupting me at all, I feel really comfortable with you that I can talk to you for an hours and I just really appreciate that as a man. Don’t get me wrong Sir, I am not interested in you myself so please don’t make any moves on me that would me feel uncomfortable because I am with my man Joey and it is really hard for me, I can’t seem to get on a flight , I can’t seem to walk into a grocery store without man looking on me and talking to me wanting my number and it is kind of a gift but it is also really difficult when you’re just trying to get by, just trying to get on a plane, go someplace to visit your friend and man just keep looking at you but when you look like I do, it’s just to be expected, just some extent. So anyway, yeah.

Now our hero puts on his headphones again, to continue watching the horrible inflight movie “Lover’s Nest.”

MALE ACTOR: Wow Robin, we have been on fourth date already. How time flies.

FEMALE ACTOR: Yeah, it’s been quite the adventure.

MALE ACTOR: And you know me, I’m quite an adventurer.

FEMALE ACTOR: Fourth date in fourth days, you sure are…

MALE ACTOR: Speaking of adventure, I have a minute to tell you this for quite some time and now I am going to tell you this, I am going to Paris to study pigeons for a year.

FEMALE ACTOR: Oh well, that’s wonderful and you know we both love Paris.

MALE ACTOR: We really do love Paris, you seem a little saddened.

FEMALE ACTOR: No, I am just really happy for you. I wish that everyone could spend as much time in Paris as I have spent there in the past.

MALE ACTOR: Yet, I lived with a heavy heart. It’s not the pigeons in my graveyard I am thinking about Robin, it’s you and the sparkle in your eyes.

FEMALE ACTOR: Oh, you know what they say in France?

MALE ACTOR: They say a lot of things in France

FEMALE ACTOR: Like Cest La Vie?

MALE ACTOR: Oh yes, I am going to miss your sense of humor most of all and the sparkle in your eyes.

FEMALE ACTOR: I will miss your quirky adventures.

MALE ACTOR: Maybe we could be pen pals? But I sense something is wrong.

FEMALE ACTOR: No, I don’t think so.

MALE ACTOR: Do you want another hug? Or maybe more?

FEMALE ACTOR: Maybe just a hug

MALE ACTOR: Or maybe more?

FEMALE ACTOR: Maybe

MALE ACTOR: As they say in France, peut être.

FEMALE ACTOR: I don’t know what that means yet

MALE ACTOR: Sorry, I just thought because you like sketch books.

FEMALE ACTOR: Don’t pigeonhole me!

MALE ACTOR: I didn’t mean to Robin!

FEMALE ACTOR: Not everybody can be as easily defined as a pigeon!

MALE ACTOR: Hmm, let me think about that.

FEMALE ACTOR: Don’t pigeonhole me!!

MALE ACTOR: Hey, hey it’s okay. Rest on my shoulder and cry here, it’s okay. Can I hug you?

FEMALE ACTOR: Okay

MALE ACTOR: More?

FEMALE ACTOR: Okay

MALE ACTOR: Okay, I am hugging you now.

MALE ACTOR: Word, 783,429 monotonous, adjective. 1. lacking in variety, tediously unvarying. The monotonous flat scenery. 2. Characterizing a sound continuing on one note. 3. Having very little impaction, limited to a narrowed pit range. Synonyms: 1. Tedious, humdrum, boring, dull, derive to forms monotonously. Adverb: Monotonous. Noun. Word history and history for the word monotonous. Adjective 1750 of sound from Greek monotonous of one tone transferred and figuratively used, lacking in variety, uninteresting is from 1783 related monotonously.

Our hero passenger is essentially tripping out on boredom. It’s like an acid trip of nothingness.

We hear a random passenger give commentary on what she’s reading in Air Junk, the inflight magazine.

WOMAN PASSENGER: Very interesting stuff on Air Junk. Yeah, I could buy that. I don’t really need that but yeah I could buy that too, I could buy a whole but maybe I should buy none of it as I don’t have that much money right now because I have spent a lot of money…

SFX: Ding

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, we are really thrilled off right now to present to you another opportunity to engage with us via game that we have you today. The game is guess what color of eyes the passenger in seat 22E has. Once again the name of the game is guess what color of eyes the passenger has in seat 22E. So you going to want to put your guesses down and the seat number down because in the end of the game, we are going to give out a round trip supply of cocktail napkin. So, you really want to think hard about what’s the passenger’s eye color might be and best of luck to you guys, okay?

SFX: Ding

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Submissions, anybody? Anybody want to play the game? Does anybody has any submissions? Don’t forget your seat number. Submissions, anybody? No? Hello! Just guess the eye color, it’s not that hard seat 22E. Anybody? Any submissions for the guess the color of the eye contest? It’s a game, it’s a fun game. We want everybody to play. Submissions? Anyone?

We then hear the pilot accidentally turn the “on” button in the announcements, so we hear every bit of his monologue.

PILOT: That is good. Naïve, done it again. What a heck of a sandwich, it’s a no no. I always bring a sack of lunch and I have peanuts here. Peanuts are like snack or usually a meal, they are not tradition. Actually, my appetite loves peanuts. I bring my lunch here. You know, dry mouths because a lot of peanuts actually. Should not be more than a handful really, supposed the appetite really does. Not easy on the stomach. Boy, you want peanuts? I really love peanuts, I love it. Let me tell you boy, I learned the hard way. Back and forth, back and forth to the lavatory. It’s not a meal, it’s a snack, the best. . Dry mouth, not an enjoyable sensation. That’s a meal, that’s a satisfying sandwich. Is this thing on? Sorry about that folks. You know what? I am going to get you some more peanuts there. Who doesn’t like more peanuts? Alright.

SFX: Ding

MAN ON THE HEADPHONE: Sorry about that folks. Did not know it was on. The intercom, my co-pioneers, alright. Don’t be so modest, you should be stand-up comedian. I do think so, I am serious. Anyway.

SFX: Ding

MAN THE ON HEADPHONE: Ladies and gentlemen, if you look on your left, the clouds is an interesting clouds, you might be interested in volcanic but they’re clouds, you know, you might want to get see clouds from up here like this.

SFX: Ding

PASSENGER: Oh we got a load of these clouds, they are some serious cloud formation out the window here. Wow, that looks like cumulus, another cumulus right there. Wow look at that, there are cumulus next to a cirrus, that’s a cirrus. Definitely, you can tell because of the flat form of shape. Of course my favorite type of cloud is actually the cumulu-nimbus, I find that they are most majestic formations, they are enormous, they are original, they are odd. What is that one up there, that’s interesting formations, that one there looks like a carrot that I have ever seen one. That’s looks like a pirate’s fig lee floating up there in the sky, a carrot and a fig lee. Oh boy look at this one, looks like an elephant. Two elephants. Wowee, that’s looks like my mother actually. Wow, that just looks like my mother. You know she has put a little bit of weight on her later years. This is an interesting one. What is that, it is turning your head sideways, it almost looks like a boat, some sort of a large shipping boat or a crew ship perhaps but Titanic up here. A Titanic. Funny if you look at it one way, it looks like one thing. If you look at it the other way, it looks like a completely different thing. Mind blowing. This way it looks like a turkey feather, and the other way it looks like some sort of a new, it’s sort like a test that the psychologists do, you know where they show you a photo and make lab tests where they show you a blood or ink and they ask you what you think it is and it could be anything to anyone and what it is to you, it says something about you theoretically. Oh boy, here’s one, coming up just like a soft blanket that you want to go to sleep in. That’s what I think about when I say clouds a really nice, comfortable. Nothing like a nice comforter. I might get a little sweaty from time to time, but you know, I don’t mind, I’m not sleeping with anybody, there’s nobody else to mind me. So, you know, a little sad to never had anybody.

PASSENGER: Oh look at this, look at this. Great car, some sort of the one that looks like an airplane actually, looks like some of the sort of jet cars. Dinosaur, look at that. Tyrannosaurus, a long neck don’t see a lot of cloud like that. That could be an amoeba, like a single cell organism. An amoeba.

PASSENGER: Look at that, it’s my cousin Randy. My cousin Randy up here 30,000 feet. Looks just like her. My mother and my cousin Randy are up here. There’s Jackie, there’s Jackie over there. One big happy family. Hey Jackie, looking good.

CHILD: Hey Mister, you brag me this clouds really bad. I can’t see if he knows, you know smile. You smell like a dead popcorn. You smell like a dentist’s office. You smell like a dentists’. Hey mister, why you smell like a dentist?, are you a dentist? Hey mister, why you smell like a dentist? Are you a dentist? You don’t have a very good teeth for a dentist. No, you can’t be a dentist. Have you ever been to the dentist? Hey mister, my mom’s tells me brush your teeth but I don’t do it and I pretend like I am brushing my teeth but I really just have my teeth brushed in my mouth and I’m just really chewing up my toothbrush. She says “brush your teeth” and I’m really just chewing my toothbrush and my mom says that if I don’t brush my teeth then I gotta have to go to the dentist and there’s going to be cavities and she says that if I don’t brush my teeth, then nobody would want to be around me and nobody will want to talk to me and nobody will be friends with me but it’s okay with me because I don’t want to be friend with anybody because everybody is sleepy and everybody is big and being stupid . Why is everybody on this plane is big and stupid? Why is this plane so stupid? They don’t have any candy on this plane. All they have is peanuts. Peanuts are stupid. Your head is like a peanut, that’s means you’re stupid. Why they just don’t eat your head, your head is like a peanut. Why is these people, instead of serving peanuts, would they serve your head.

CHILD: Hey mister, your head is like a peanut. I don’t want to be friend and I don’t want any teeth and I just want to eat candy and I want lots and lots of cavity. Hey mister, do you have any cavities? Looks like you have a cavity where your brain is supposed to be. Like a really big cavity. Maybe you’ll need to go see your dentist to check the cavity where your head is supposed to be. I think you should probably get that looked up. Mister cavity head brain people. Your name is Mister Cavity head brain forehead. Mister Cavity had forehead, you have a fart where your head is supposed to be. Pretty weird that you have a head where your fart’s supposed to be.

CHILD: You have a head where your fart is supposed to be.

FLIGHTATTENDANT: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Sin City San Francisco.

VOICE IN A DREAM: Hello master, will you be my friend?

ROBOT IN A DREAM: Yes, you can take my metallic head to the future.

VOICE IN A DREAM: The future. I love tech, It’s Japanese. The future is now. Now, now, now….

SFX: Ding

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: We know you guys have been pretty sleepy and we really want to promote a nice sleep full, restful sleep, so we’re gonna go ahead to dim over the head lights for you to really just keep things relaxing and I’m trying to make this flight as comfortable to you as possible. So we are really going to go ahead and limit the number of announcement to allow you guys to have a little bit of shut eyes before we land.

SFX: Ding

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: By the way, we had hidden up blankets to satisfy blanket situation but your cabin will still work. So even though the cabin lights are still down, if you need anything and you hate your call button, it will still activate the call button feature and if you don’t need us, just don’t hit that button and that we’ll educate that you’re probably sleeping or you don’t need anything.

SFX: Ding

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Okay guys, so the cabin lights are dim. Everyone’s gotta go bed it seems but what we’re gonna do is let you know about the credit card offer that we have for you just today and it’s a special offer, it’s the airline law space card. Upon activation, you will receive 528,000 bonus miles upon a promo. Please allow 3-4 business months for bonus miles to post to your account. What you’re going to get is a good rate, there’s going to be a lot of taxes and a lot of additional service charges that I will mention at a later time via fine prints but it is still a really good offer.

SFX: Ding

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: One final note, one final note, you cannot be a baby or a pet in order to qualify for this deal. You cannot be a baby or a pet that includes dogs, cats and birds, etcetera etcetera and if you are a person and over the age of a baby, you are qualified most likely so just go ahead and give it a shot.

SFX: Ding

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: It appears that there were card offer has improved since my last talk to you for about last seconds ago. So, I’m just going to go ahead and re-instate the offer, the new and improved offer and I need you guys to bed okay? So, we’re introducing for one time only, the Blah Airlines executive page card. What this is going to get you is 598,000 bonus miles upon approval, please allow 3-4 business months for this points to post to your Blah Air account. So, if you contact us before that period, you will not see these miles. We need these months to really get them into your account, it’s a processing thing. Then you can receive an annual coach companion fare for just $159 one way with the layover but it is still on grand offer, this is US dollars (how much did I say?) a really good deal. So, the reason for this fare is there is a base fare but the taxes are 15% so it just sums up to the number that I have just said. Okay, so then you’re going to earn 3 miles every 500 dollars spent on qualifying purchases tickets and vacation packages. This is for cargo and in-flight purchases only guys then you’re going to earn half a mile for every 40 dollars spent on all other purchases. So, you’re really having a great deal here with our card and there is no mileage cap. I know guys you are really trying to get to bed but let’s just keep talking about this card for a bit because this is so exciting. Your miles will not expire, there is some fine print, benefits above apply to Blah signature accounts only and different benefits apply to platinum plus diamond preferred accounts. The card is really determined by your credits score so you’re really gonna want to have a credit score to get that card.

SFX: Ding

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: We just want to add the fine prints to our mentioned credit card offer because we have missed some of the fine prints. For more information about the r’s and p’s and cost and benefit associated with the blah card, click on apply today and refer to the disclosure of the credit card online application. This credit card program is issued and administered by blah and blahbing incorporated. As long as you keep your account active and as long as you earn or spend at least 1 mile every 5 seconds, you will keep all the miles that you earned and spend as you soon as you have enough for 1 week domestic ticket, go visit your aunt, go on a business trip, your cash limit up or just do whatever you guys just use this plan then be there when you are ready to use them. If no mileage credit in your account during the first 129 months after opening your account is inactive for a longer period than 2 days, what we’re going to do is we are going to reserve the rights of your account so you really have to keep those accounts active. If you need more information, there are multiple ways to get that information, you can visit us on the internet @ https://www.blahairlines.com. Thanks guys.

SFX: Ding

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: We want to let you guys know that the kicking cougars minority teams on Anderson are on this very flight. Please welcome them and they are headed to the winter for some sort of athletic tournament so let’s give a big round of applause and wish them a lot of love with their team activity.

<”are we there yet?” sound becomes loud and dreamy sound>

CHILD: Wake up, wake up! Hey man, we’re you sleeping? What we’re you dreaming about? I dreamed about last night, I dreamed about some kind of stuff. I dreamed about you and you were stupid. You were really stupid. Really big and stupid. Have I told you stop being stupid? But you kept on being very stupid. Hey mister, my mom is sleeping. My mom is always sleeping. We just went to see my grandma and she was sleeping too. Mom says she will be sleeping forever, she’s sleeping forever and ever and ever and ever.

CHILD: (Singing) She’s sleeping ‘til the morning comes, sleeping, everybody’s sleeping, sleeping sleeping. Everybody’s sleeping, everybody’s sleeping.

SFX: Ding (DC Outlet lit up)

ANNOUNCER ON HEADPHONES: Just wanted to drag your attention to the left side of the plane. Highly unusual telling is giving us a breathtaking view of the green canyon, like you have never seen before.

SFX: Ding

PASSENGER: Sorry about that, do you realize we’re getting to be, I have a very sensitive skin that doctors told my mother when I was young that I should not to be exposed to direct to sunlight for longer than 30 minutes at a time and I think I am pushing my luck here with this window, it’s been open for quite a while. I don’t know what hour at this trip but you know, I have felt my skin starting to react to the UV rays.

ANNOUNCER ON HEADPHONES: I have been this room for 25 years and I have never seen anything as majestic and odd inspiring as what we are seeing right now. Wow, what a say. Does everybody seeing what I’m seeing? This is incredible. Incredible, the colors glares, this is just unbelievable. I have never seen anything so grandiose.

PASSENGER: Anyway, I know that you should think I haven’t glanced at Grand Canyon yet. In my mind, I am picturing it as it is majestic, I am giving you that but the UV rays are not just worthy to me at this point, you know doctor’s order basically.

The window seat guy closes his window so our hero can’t see the epic view.

SFX: Ding

ANNOUNCER ON HEADPHONES: (Crying) It’s just so beautiful. I haven’t seen anything like this, it’s just (sobbing). Ladies and gentlemen, this is just so incredible. So incredible, this is why I fly, its moments like this. It’s the moments like this that make me realize the meaning of life. Uh, so beautiful. 3 decades I flown these skies, and this is some sort of sight that comes once in a lifetime. I wish everybody could see this, I wish everybody could see this, I wish everybody could be here, there are so many problems in this world..

PASSENGER: I hope you understand. I don’t mean to interrupt your experience, it’s a sensitive skin condition that I have lived with for my entire life and in a bit, it can be difficult for some people who are close to me because I don’t really leave the house for longer than 30 minutes at a time.

SFX: Ding

Our pilot describes what’s going on outside the window.

ANNOUNCER ON HEADPHONES: I can’t describe this. Just . . . no words to describe . . . it . . .what we’re seeing.

PASSENGER: I am what I am, I am a bit of a hermit but you do what you gotta do. You learn how to live a healthy lifestyle and of a whole body and you know, I have grown to like it like I’ve to to say.

ANNOUNCER ON HEADPHONES: . . .no words . . . no words . . .

PASSSENGER (continued): I have a lot of friends that I stay on contact on the internet, it’s just fine let me tell you that I could look up at the Grand Canyon on the search engines anytime but I can never get my skin back so anyhow.

ANNOUNCER ON HEADPHONES: Ladies and gentlemen, just wanted to get your attention to the left side of the plane. There is an entire flock of eagles, I didn’t know that they flew in flocks. This in unprecedented, get now your phones, nobody has ever seen anything like this. I certainly haven’t ever seen anything like this. They have never seen an eagle like this. What a beautiful creature, I mean these eagles are enormous. The size, must be the size of a Pterodactyl. I have never seen an eagle of this size. This eagle is flying next to the cockpit. What a beak on that sucker. Wow.

PASSENGER: You know originally, the eagle was not the symbol for the United States of America, the original bird, official bird of the United States was a turkey in fact, and it was only later changed to an eagle. Benjamin Franklin actually felt that the turkey was a more majestic creature and more fitting in metaphorically speaking to the character of the United States. Of course, the eagle is quite majestic, don’t get me wrong, and they are endangered and in that sense, they are a bit of a novelty, but the turkey is I feel under-appreciated bird and thanksgiving, we appreciate it very much but not so much for its visual beauty. It is absolutely incredible and I do not think that eagles compared really when you get down to it.

SFX: Ding

ANNOUNCER ON HEADPHONES: Ladies and gentlemen, just wanted to drag your attention to the left side of the plane. We’re passing over a one more interesting things I have ever seen. On a flight, they appears to be have a lost civilization of some sort, don’t know where this came from, it looks like pyramid of some sort, pyramids of America that are bigger than the pyramids in Egypt. Enormous acclaiming gold sun reflecting off to them, what a sight.

The pilot announces what’s happening out the window. Of course, our hero can’t see any of it.

PILOT: It looks like a Pterodactyl, a dinosaur, that’s right at the left side of the window. This is unbelievable. A prehistoric creature, thought to be extinct is flying beside us in a tremendous speed. Wow. Different color skin as I have expected, I gotta say you know, they didn’t quite get right in the movies. This is more fantastic than I have ever seen. It’s very strange. It’s like seeing Bigfoot at 30,000 feet. This is incredible.

The window seat passenger continues to explain why he can not open the window.

PASSENGER: It’s really too bad about my skin condition. As a child I really loved dinosaurs actually and the Pterodactyl was up there with the Triceratops as my favorite. Alas my skin condition is not to be ignored, it is what it is and thank you for being patient.

The scene that we’re missing out the window continues to get more and more incredible. We don’t see any of it.

SFX: Ding

PILOT: Ladies and gentlemen, if you look at to the left. Some sort of disk flying in some sort of UFO like possibly an Unidentified Flying Objects is floating beside us. This is absolutely incredible if it is true. This could be the first contact of alien civilization right here. It is an alien, it is an alien landing in the side of the craft, he is trying to communicate. Wow, there he goes . Incredible. First contact in human history with an alien civilization. There it goes, that’s it, that’s all she wrote folks but you know, incredible.

After missing this incredible scene, the window seat passenger finally opens the window. It’s too late. The fun part has passed. They missed everything.

PASSENGER: Oh, I just realized that I have my sleeves rolled up. I guess I just got to have my sleeves rolled back so we could open the window. Wow, look at those clouds.

By now our hero is super bummed out. Suddenly a purple light comes on from outside, accompanied by music of hope. The hero looks out at the glow and sees a Virgin America plane pass by in the distance. He’s awestruck, but the incredible plane soon passes by and he’s back to his horrible reality of flying cross country on a generic airline.

The window seat passenger notices a strange odor.

PASSENGER: Does anybody smell that? What is that smell?

THERESA: These barbecue ribs are the best thing that I have ever put in my mouth. They are spectacular. Sorry, hope you’re not them, I mess over here, I’m just trying to keep it as contained as possible. When you’ve got as much flavor it’s really hard to keep it contained…

The window seat passenger adds some color commentary.

PASSENGER: There is a very distinct odor coming from somewhere nearby.

Theresa pigs out on ribs. There’s sauce all over her face.

THERESA: Oh my gosh, the sauce. If Joey was here, now he would just, I don’t know what he is going to do with one of these ribs. You know I will give you one of these ribs but they are just so good, they are just I can’t seem to pop with them. I feel that I will be running for these ribs shortly, but I will keep enjoying them for a time being. See, the thing with rib is a lot of people not really resourceful with them, they eat some of meat quickly, throw out the rib when they still remains. A fair amount of quality meat in the bone. So what you really want to do is eat away around the bone, it is really an art form to get all that meat out. Oh, and the sauce! I wanna take a bath on this barbecue sauce right now. Throw me in a vat of this stuff. Let’s call it a day.

Our hero is obviously grossed out. He’s got Theresa pigging out on messy ribs to one side, and the annoying window seat passenger talking too much on the other side.

PASSENGER: There is just a very distinct odor coming from somewhere nearby…

THERESA: Okay, it looks like I got 2 ribs left.

Theresa sucks down two more ribs. It’s gross.

THERESA: Oh yeah, that’s the ticket, that’s the stuff. They are just sooo delicious and you know, a lot of people are surprised when they see an attractive woman like myself eating some beef likes it’s any old day. Okay, here it comes. It’s getting tough, it’s the last rib.

THERESA: Oh excuse me. That’s it. That’s all the ribs. Oh my Gosh, I’m going to have some meat sweats, aren’t I? I’m sleepy again. I have to take a little disco nap, a little beef nap. Okay, let’s do this.

Theresa conks her head down on the table and passes out.

Then Theresa suddenly wakes up and pulls out one last surprise rib that she had missed earlier.

THERESA: Oh my gosh, can you believe this, are you seeing what I am seeing? There is in fact, one more rib left in my bag.

PASSENGER: Oh boy, there she goes again.

THERESA: Ribs for days.

Now our hero puts his headphones on to try to block Theresa’s snoring. He’s back listening to the awful Blah Airlines Inflight Audio Dictionary Channel.

MALE ACTOR: Word number 582, Dull. Additive: duller, dullest. 1. Not sharp, plant, blade on knife 2. Causing boredom, tedious, uninteresting, a dull sermon 3. Not lively or spirited, less less 4. Not bright or clear, dim, a dull day, a dull sound 5. Having very little depth of color, lacking in richness or intensely of color 6. Slow in motion or action, not brisk, sluggish, at all day in the stock market 7. Mentally slow, lacking brightness of mind, somewhat stupid, obtuse. Verb: used with object. Verb: used without object. 10. To make or become dull. Synonyms: 1. dull, plant, refer to the edge or point of an instrument dull or like or the like though implies a lack of kin ness or sharpness e.g. a dull razor or saw, blunt or may refer to an edge or point not intended to be kin or sharp. Antonyms: sharp, kin, interesting, bright. Word origin and history for dull: additive, 1200, stupid, early 13th century, blunt not sharp, rare or mid-14th century apparently form Old English. Dull, witted, foolish or an unrecorded parallel word or from middle low Greek. Dull, slow-witted, both from photo dramatic, old Persian and old Saxon though foolish, old high German tool, mad wild, Gothic walls, foolish from Pietu, dust, beaver, smoke and related notion of defective perception or wits up color from 15th century of pain or any other sensation from 1725, sense of boring first recorded 15..

FEMALE ACTOR: Chazz, is that you?

MALE ACTOR: Oh my Gosh, it’s Robin like the bird. You remember, ah yes I remember, you sketch art in an art book.

FEMALE ACTOR: Who is that beautiful woman on the barrette?

MALE ACTOR: Oh my Gosh, how could I forget? I am being so rude. This is my girlfriend Matisse.

FEMALE ACTOR: We lovely to meet you Matisse.

MALE ACTOR: We met in the aviary in Paris.

FEMALE ACTOR: How perfect.

MALE ACTOR: It was. I can’t think of anything more perfect other than a croissant.

FEMALE ACTOR: Yeah, it has to be a croissant.

MALE ACTOR: Matisse, go get a croissant and wait outside the park as I speak to Robin.

FEMALE ACTOR: Your girlfriend, you’re only in Paris a year.

MALE ACTOR: Hey, back off. I know you’re upset, but it was true love.

FEMALE ACTOR: True love? Or she’s just a lot of pigeons

MALE ACTOR: That is a lo-bro Robin. Ouch. I see you’re upset Robin.

FEMALE ACTOR: Of course I am upset. You told me that you like me as much as you like your pigeons.

3:58:00

MALE ACTOR: There’s just too many birds love one. How can I love just one bird.

FEMALE ACTOR: Well, you seem very pretty fond of one pigeon.

MALE ACTOR: I get it, I get it, I get it

FEMALE ACTOR: You get it?

MALE ACTOR: I am single and an adventurer

FEMALE ACTOR: Well, not all adventures are best by themselves.

MALE ACTOR: Tell that to the adventurer’s like I don’t know, there are lot. Tell that to them.

FEMALE ACTOR: I would love to.

MALE ACTOR: I don’t know. Love is so hard to do. Can I do it? Can I?

FEMALE ACTOR: Well, only you can figure that one out.

MALE ACTOR: Hmm. This is a tough nut to crack.

FEMALE ACTOR: Don’t pigeons mate for life?

MALE ACTOR: Hmm. This is more than I have thought. I am going to really have to think about that. Sometimes life takes us on journeys around other places there are journeys that we must explore and I am an adventurer, you have always known this.

FEMALE ACTOR: I know, and it’s fine. I’m going to Paris now any way myself.

MALE ACTOR: Ouch! That hurts again. You keep hurting me. Ouch!

FEMALE ACTOR: My flight leaves tomorrow.

MALE ACTOR: Then I will leave with you.

FEMALE ACTOR: No, It’s too late.

MALE ACTOR: It’s never too late for love. A bird goes up in the sky, its wings, touched the light, and it lands back in the safety of a warm feathery place called a nest.

FEMALE ACTOR: What about Matis

MALE ACTOR: She’s getting a cuazon, she won’t know and and I’m findin’ a way babe. Far far away babe.

FEMALE ACTOR: Listen, there’s no room in this nest for us anymore. It’s too late.

MALE ACTOR: I’m so sad, and I’m hungry. Really hungry.

FEMALE ACTOR: Bye! My flight leaves tomorrow at 11:00 am from JFK. Don’t try to stop me.

MALE ACTOR: What’s the flight number and what time again?

FEMALE ACTOR: 2723 and it leaves tomorrow at 11:13 am.

MALE ACTOR: Okay, I’ll make sure not to be there. I’ve had exact time on that exact flight.

FEMALE ACTOR: Thank You. And I won’t be doing that thing where I turn my head around to see if you’re there. Just so you know.

MALE ACTOR: And I won’t be turning my head around either to look at you doing that thing when you do that. Just so you know.

FEMALE ACTOR: Perfect! Then that’s that.

MALE ACTOR: I guess that it’s that.

FEMALE ACTOR: Quickly! Quickly cab driver! I’m going to JFK Airport. I need to get to Paris. Faster!

ANNOUNCER ON HEADPHONE: Sign of boarding call. Sign of boarding call. All passengers going to Paris, France please board immediately. To keep to 29B.

MALE ACTOR: Wait robin, wait! Wait! Wait! Please! Don’t leave!

FEMALE ACTOR: Oh my gosh! Jaz, what are you doing here?

MALE ACTOR: What I’m a doing here? I’m here to tell you how much I care. I care.

FEMALE ACTOR: I never knew.

MALE ACTOR: Do you think I would let my love bird fly away from me?

FEMALE ACTOR: Oh my God. You are perfect pigeon lover for me.

MALE ACTOR: And you are the perfect artist sketch artist women for me.

FEMALE ACTOR: I really just have one question for you. Why do you study pigeons when there are so many doves in the world?

MALE ACTOR: Wow! That is a heavy question. And one I’m going to think about. Oh! I have the answer. Pigeons are beautiful inside, and though you might not see it. Once you get to know them deep and deeper you’ll love them more.

FEMALE ACTOR: Pigeons sounds a lot like you.

MALE ACTOR: I’m pretty complex. Come to think of it. Come to think of it, so were you.

FEMALE ACTOR: Well, you always look like a dove to me.

MALE ACTOR: I could never let those sparkling us leave without me. Shall we?

FEMALE ACTOR: Let’s go to Paris, France.

MALE ACTOR: Yes! Let’s. There’s lots of blue lay there.

FEMALE ACTOR: It sounds delicious.

MALE ACTOR: Like you. I’m going to kiss you now.

FEMALE ACTOR: Okay. I’m waiting.

MALE ACTOR: Here come my lips. Ready?

FEMALE ACTOR: Ready.

MALE ACTOR: Here they come.

MALE ACTOR: Now you put out your lips.

MALE ACTOR: Wow! That was electric.

FEMALE ACTOR: So, are you ready to fly to Paris, France?

MALE ACTOR: Yes I am. I’m ready.

OVERHEAD ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen. At this time we are pleased to present to you a second in flight movie, which is Gary Giggles! The tale of a baby who talks even though he’s just a baby. Please tune in on channel 2. So get those headsets out and get ready to laugh loud.

GARY GIGGLES: My, my name is Gary Giggles and I’m a baby who can talk. I’m only 6 months old. But that didn’t stop this little pipe from getting around. I crawl, I suck around my mom’s bottom. I have hopes and dream just like any baby, but most of all, I giggle, I giggle all day. I giggle all day even in my sleep, even when I’m happy and which is maybe you have but that’s okay coz I’m a baby. And that makes me a baby. I’m not just any baby, I can figure things out, I know when I’m the midst of an artwork situation, this little pipe who knows how to get out of that conundrum. I giggle! Ha ha

MOTHER OF GARY: Oh Gary! Its just hilarious how you giggle so much being my baby in all.

GARY GIGGLES: Oh but mama. Its so nice that you find me converse with family and stuff.

MOTHER OF GARY: Gary you’ve been speaking as long as I have ever known you. I remember at the age of two weeks you cracked a joke. Do you remember what that joke was?

GARY GIGGLES: Well, something about it. A chicken and an egg but really I think the important thing was that the egg, that the uh. What are we talking about mom?

MOTHER OF GARY: You’re talking about a joke Gary, then you start giggling in the middle of it.

GARY GIGGLES: You know, then that its that a Gary Giggles for you mom.

MOTHER OF GARY: Gary, I wouldn’t want you any other way.

GARY GIGGLES: Well any other way wouldn’t mean I’m your baby.

MOTHER OF GARY: That’s true, you’re always so smart for 6 months old.

GARY GIGGLES: But you know what they say, mother’s milks are makes the brains go far.

MOTHER OF GARY: Oh Gary look over there, there’s a car on fire. What shall we do?

GARY GIGGLES: Oh mom! Maybe we should call the fire department?

MOTHER OF GARY: But uh, it will take them forever to get here. Were on top of the mountain. There’s not a fire station around.

GARY GIGGLES: Well I could, I know how to cry, I could put the fire out with my cry, with my long wind.

MOTHER OF GARY: That’s a great idea Gary, but I thought even a better idea. Why don’t you take that fire and tell it to go out by telling it a joke.

GARY GIGGLES: Well I could always tell the joke about uh you know what the horse and the bar and uh but that’s a blue color joke.

MOTHER OF GARY: That’s okay Gary, you could extinguish a fire with any sort of joke you plead. Just put your heart into it and your mind into the throw.

GARY GIGGLES: Look at that! The fire went out with my cry.

MOTHER OF GARY: Gary, I’ve been your mother for the past six months, and I think it’s time that I’ll tell you a story. Would you like to hear the story?

GARY GIGGLES: But what the story be mother?

MOTHER OF GARY: it’s the story of how you came to giggle at such a young age.

GARY GIGGLES: I would love to hear that story mother.

MOTHER OF GARY: Well, it goes something like this. When you were twelve weeks you went to live to your grandmother for a weekend. What you did not know, was that your grandmother wasn’t fat, a fairy.

GARY GIGGLES: A fairy?

MOTHER OF GARY: Yes, a fairy with a very special kind of magic.

GARY GIGGLES: What kind of magic mother?

MOTHER OF GARY: She had the ability to turn any baby into a talking baby.

GARY GIGGLES: A talking baby? Wow!

MOTHER OF GARY: and guess what she did with you Gary.

GARY GIGGLES: You tell me I have no idea.

MOTHER OF GARY: She turned you into a talking baby. I think, I’ve waited 6 months to tell you this because I didn’t know if you were ready early. I almost told you when you were 3 months old, but I thought I would wait for a little bit older.

GARY GIGGLES: A little like a drive.

MOTHER OF GARY: Yes, at the age of five months you learned to drive and I still didn’t think you were ready.

GARY GIGGLES: You know there is some responsibility that some babies are ready for it but I totally get that mom.

MOTHER OF GARY: I’m glad that you came. I know you do. The reason I waited to age 6 months to tell you that you are the grandson of a fairy who blessed you with the ability to talk even when you’re a baby. Is that yesterday you did something that surely you are very mature. Do you think what that thing was?

GARY GIGGLES: Was it when I slid across the floor?

MOTHER OF GARY: No, guess again.

GARY GIGGLES: Was it when I fed the birds with birdseed out of my baby hand?

MOTHER OF GARY: No, but getting closer.

GARY GIGGLES: Was it when I crawled up on your knee and asked you “Mother what is the meaning of life?”

MOTHER OF GARY: That’s it Gary, you guessed it right. When you asked me what is the meaning of life I thought I need it to explain to you what your life is all about. I don’t want to keep secrets from you Gary. Do you understand?

GARY GIGGLES: I understand mother and since we’ve been so often and honest, I also have a secret that I’ve been keeping from you.

MOTHER OF GARY: Please tell me Gary, I’d love to hear about it.

GARY GIGGLES: Would you know the other day when I was crawling down the hall giggling?

MOTHER OF GARY: Yes, I remember that day.

GARY GIGGLES: Really, it was when I was practicing my stand-up routine

MOTHER OF GARY: Stand-up comedy?

GARY GIGGLES: That is correct. You see, when you see the lights of other comedians and they are momentous in their success. I strive to equally be momentous in my success. Comedy is my passion.

MOTHER OF GARY: Gary, I think you’re gonna succeed in comedy. I think that you are going to show the world and your grandma what an excellent comedian you will be. I think there’s whole world out there that is just waiting to hear your giggles.

GARY GIGGLES: I think so too. But the great thing about comedy and giggling is that its turn to know rumble, a rumble of the bones and works its way up through the stomach through the chest cavity out the aethiopicus through the mouth passed the teeth tounge and nose resonating in a beautiful and momentous occasion of laughter some might call it joy, some might call it a noins, some might call it espionage, some might call it any other think you could think of, but I like to call it just another day as a baby.

MOTHER OF GARY: Gary, that was beautiful. I have an idea.

GARY GIGGLES: Yes mother?

MOTHER OF GARY: Why not we giggle together?

GARY GIGGLES: should we start out slow?

MOTHER OF GARY: Sure

GARY GIGGLES: Like uh. Ha Ha-ha

MOTHER OF GARY: You did it Gary. You did it. Now keep giggling, never stop.

GARY GIGGLES: Oh I would never stop mom. You’re the best.

MOTHER OF GARY: You’re the best Gary.

GARY GIGGLES: Thanks mom.

GARY GIGGLES: Have you ever look upon the stars and wondered what could be, I’ve often wondered it myself for I am giggling Gary, and when I see the sun and stars and big blue deep see I often think of my mother who gave birth to giggling Gary. When I was six months old I sat on my mother’s knee but no one could ever see giggling Gary. Growing up can bit scary but not for a baby his name is giggling Gary. Giggling Gary! Is a baby that giggles, life can be scary unless to giggling Gary.

PASSENGER: Word number 4,285 Inseparable. Additive 1. not to be endured, Intolerable, unbearable they’re inseparable insolence. related forms inseparableness. Noun, inseparably adverb, adjective 1 intolerable, unendurable, derived forms word origin and history for inseparable, adjective early 15th century from in 1.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: More peanut, more peanuts, more peanuts……

ANNOUNCER ON HEADPHONES: Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. It is that time in the flight where we gonna playing a game called ding ding ding, guess how many peanuts I’m holding right now in my right hand. If you guess the number of peanuts that I’m holding in my right hand correctly you will win a years worth of peanuts. So you have to carry them up with you on the plane but they can left along in time and we hope you with them so just guess how many peanuts are in my right hand right now and best of luck to you guys.

PASSENGER: 12 peanuts, final answer.

PASSENGER 1: Whoa where you going’ today?

PASSENGER 2: Uh, we are on simply covered. My grandparents.

PASSENGER 1: That’s good. That’s nice.

PASSENGER 2: They’re dying.

PASSENGER 1: Both of them?

PASSENGER 2: Probably. You don’t mind I brought some yogurt, I don’t like it. Yeah. But that’s fine. Worth it is uh, its just plain, I thought it was a grape, I mean its plain grape yogurt and I find its really healthy, I don’t like this flavored ones.

PASSENGER 1: What flavor is it?

PASSENGER 2: Its just grape flavor, its just uh, it’s a plain grape. You wanna taste it?

PASSENGER 1: It doesn’t taste like what I thought grape. Well uh, that’s just it but it is uh, supposedly healthy. Are you a traveler?

PASSENGER 2: No, I don’t travel often.

PASSENGER 2: I’m not a big traveler.

PASSENGER 1: Feels like uh. And dirt?

PASSENGER 2: Dirt got him. Trying to get a jump on the. If I’m gonna be there.

PASSENGER 1: So they’re older? Your grandparents? Older than your parents?

PASSENGER 2: A little, but not much. They’re 20 years older.

PASSENGER 1: Than you?

PASSENGER 2: Im sorry, uh about 30 years older than me.

PASSENGER 1: You know age is just a number though. As they always said.

PASSENGER 2: Yeah its 30, the numbers.

PASSENGER 1: Okay, sure.

PASSENGER 2: Are you a big traveler?

PASSENGER 1: Oh wow! You know uh, for work.

PASSENGER 2: Is that what you learned about your work over?

PASSENGER 1: Do you think it’s funny? You should say that but yeah. You’ve been to a lot of people on business.

PASSENGER 2: And you’re yogurt? Why don’t you sell classic spoons. Mostly decorative kind of like commemorative spoons like that.

PASSENGER 1: Yeah, I mean it’s pretty complex and I’m not worried.

PASSENGER 2: No boring.

PASSENGER 1: Well uh, there’s a lot of different kind of spoons.

PASSENGER 2: Like a soup spoons?

PASSENGER 1: Oh that’s just one. Yeah! But you know there a bunch of different kind of soup spoons. Did you know that there are 38 officially certified soup spoons that in used in America alone? If you want to get any detail, there’s a soup spoons for coffee soups, soup spoons for stews, soup spoon hybrid. Its, you know I’m a detailed guy and marshmallow are changing also

PASSENGER 2: Stew soup?

PASSENGER 1: It’s a kind of stew soup, part of a bowl baby. It’s all about a subcategories of foods that we worked in.

PASSENGER 2: Is it on a red balls soup?

PASSENGER 1: Uh, yeah!

PASSENGER 2: Like artichoke dip?

PASSENGER 1: It has to be, at some point hidden, and serve warm for in the case of espacho. Everyone says what about the espacho. It’s a soup, its special because its form and so that’s how it is.

PASSENGER 2: Like the grape yogurt soup?

PASSENGER 1: No, well that is actually just yogurt.

PASSENGER 2: But it’s formed in cold.

PASSENGER 1: Listen, there are agencies that would certified something super not, it’s a governmental body.

PASSENGER 2: Super not.

PASSENGER 1: Well uh, yeah! Listen, I mean, maybe one day I’ll be on one of those places I go, I’ll be on the other side, but right now it just stops me. And again so shape is changing, the theme and the spoon to mount shape.

PASSENGER: I’ll wrap about this mountain shape

PASSENGER 2: It has a lot of factors

PASSENGER 1: Is it your mouth changed?

PASSENGER 2: My mouth? I think I haven’t measured my mouth. Your ears, your nose and your mouth, they never stop growing. Cartilage.

PASSENGER 1: Yeah Cartilage.

PASSENGER 2: You know I’m not a doctor but you might have a cartilage.

PASSENGER 2: What you do for a living?

PASSENGER 1: Oh, that sounds like pretty intense.

PASSENGER 2: and you make these livings from your sponsors?

PASSENGER 1: Yeah yeah sponsors

PASSENGER 2: Let me tell you that in a spoon business, you wanted to do something different.

PASSENGER 1: Good luck brother

PASSENGER 2: I have some big ideas about new spoons, new handles like everyone, know about the actual shovel, that is called the bottom of the spoon, the shovel.

SFX: Ding (No end in sight lit up)

ANNOUNCER ON HEADPHONES: Guys, Ladies and Gentlemen. It appears as a we have not received any submissions yet for the guess how many peanuts I’m holding in my right hand game. It’s a very popular game so I’m not really sure right now I will not getting the participation that this game deserves but I’m gonna give you guys a 25 minutes to guess how many peanuts I’m holding in my right hand. But not right now, how many I was holding when I introduced the game a few minutes earlier and hold tight I will be announcing the winner as soon as we get any submission.

CHILD: I don’t want any more peanuts. I’m gonna go on a hunger strike. I’m hungry but I do wanna go on a hunger strike. No more peanuts! Mom, I’m gonna go on a hunger strike, because they only have peanuts. I’m gonna go on a hunger strike. Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, I’m gonna go on a hunger strike. I’m not even gonna eat anything because I’m not gonna eat anything I know coz if they force me to eats only peanuts, they keep on making me peanuts I’m not gonna eat anything more. Hunger strike starting now! No more peanut, no more peanuts

MAN 1: You’re looking fit. You’re looking slim, strong, the gym. What are you doing?

MAN 2: I don’t actually hit the gym that often. I don’t have time or traveling so much, but I’ve changed my diet that’s the main thing.

MAN 1: Yah I know.

MAN 2: Yeah! You start juicing

MAN 1: Juicing? What is that?

MAN 2: Like you gotta plunder. You put things on plunder, you jerkin’.

MAN 1: So like orange juice.

MAN 2: I mean, that’s kind of like you can start with orange juice but here’s the thing is you don’t wanna starve, you don’t wanna get too complicated.

MAN 1: So simple juice is right.

MAN 2: Start with something you like and then mixed in something maybe that’s a little exotic. Like what I’d start with orange juice and then you mixed it maybe some bananas. And then you go a little crazy maybe just some chaos

MAN 1: I don’t even know how to kill that juice.

MAN 2: But it enhanced texture so I don’t know if it’s fascinating it turns into juice or what, but it feels good.

MAN 1: Could you put a steak in there?

MAN 2: I haven’t tried that, but I think it’ll taste good.

MAN 1: What about chicken.

MAN 2: Okay, so here’s the thing is, I feel like I shouldn’t be in this stuff and I’m not gonna go on a rent without if its merely right about, I feel like juice, things from the ground are better for me. Do you know what I’m sayin’?

MAN 1: Yeah!

MAN 2: I mean, are just saying yeah? Grass

MAN 1: The grass

MAN 2: I tried, I mean it’s like a cow. This is what I’m saying is, I’m different from you so I’m not gonna try that, but grass seems like in my work.

MAN 1: What is your favorite juice?

MAN 2: Can it be a combination of juices or you’re saying like a raw juice

MAN 1: Raw juice. Okay. So just one juice in the juice, one fruit in the juice. Sure, okay now I gotta divide this between taste and nutrition. If I’m gonna go straight taste, I would say pineapple juice? Is that. That’s kind of worrying is that? I like pineapples you know, they’re exotic, I like exotic things and exotic taste.

MAN 2: Okay, I know that about you.

MAN 1: Thanks for saying that. How about yourself? How to juice. When you’re saying it’s the entire meal.

MAN 2: Okay, we can go back to that. I’m just saying the best taste. If you’re looking for something refreshing.

MAN 1: Alright, I like a soda.

MAN 2: Now we’re brainstorming but I don’t wanna think too much, but I don’t think like that’s a juice to say, you know it’s something I feel, okay this is just me but I feel like a juice is something that grows like a tree and then you put it in a blender, and a soda I mean it doesn’t seem like a juice. What do you love about sodas?

MAN 1: Well, they serve it on the flight, and it sounds like good, you know it keeps me alert when I fly on the plane, at least I drink about 4, 5, 6 sodas on a flight.

MAN 2: You do drink a lot of sodas.

MAN 1: I’ve actually mean to talk to you about that.

MAN 2: The Sugar man , the sugar, it’s not good anymore.

MAN 1: I find it delicious coz it makes me alert while on the plane it’s important.

MAN 2: But it’s not healthy.

MAN 1: That is why I do the leg workouts, while I’m flying you know, the squatting thing that I’m doing, and clenching my abs, and releasing, clenching, releasing. I’m working yah know, it looks like I’m just sitting here, but I’m actually working out while on the plane after I get off a flight I feel like I’ve just run five miles, and I’ve just been sitting here. Depending the length of the flight, it’s a longer flight, I feel like I ran a marathon sometimes.

MAN 2: You are very tough.

MAN 1: Thank you. Yeah it’s the clenching, you should try it, you should try it in addition to your juice right now.

MAN 2: I’m doing it right now.

MAN 1: See, I can’t even tell, that was so amazing about it.

MAN 2: I don’t think I’m gonna

MAN 1: Do you feel it? Do you feel the burn?

MAN 2: Yeah I feel burning.

MAN 1: wait till you see your abs when you get off. Just try it, look in the mirror. Look at yourself in the mirror, if you do this the whole flight, now you know you might not be able to do it tirefully this first time, pace yourself because you know, you might compile it, and I don’t want you to get you know, oozy

MAN 2: Once I got a soda if I try to slow down.

MAN 1: Exactly, now you’re getting somewhere. And you know what I’m open to the juicing thing. I’m not gonna you know, maybe next time. Bring me one of your juices. Actually you know what, go crazy with it, throwing some cal. What about beans?

MAN 2: Sure, here’s the thing is

MAN 1: About the whole thanksgiving feast and a juice.

MAN 2: You mean like a thirty. We could try, or make a small one.

MAN 1: I’ll make a small one if you like it. A bigger.

MAN 2: You wanna know my secret ingredients? Is flaccid. And now you gonna put too much flaccid in first and then it just comes up everything a too thick but just try a little, mixed it up. Taste, you gotta do this by taste. It’s surely instinct there’s not a perfect recipe for it, which is kind of the cool thing it is not scientific. It’s more of a hands-on type of thing. You put that flaccid and put some cal. In maybe a little coconut mortar? And you’re off to the raisins. You gonna feel about your day, you gonna be more focus.

MAN 1: Here’s the question. Can you put my juice in a coconut because I love those coconut cups, put the straw.

MAN 2: You’re making fun of me now.

MAN 1: I am not, I am dead serious, this is my favorite type of, that’s the only, that’s all I have in my house, those coconut cups.

MAN 2: Are you, so if I showed with a coconut, something like coconut cup you’ll drink it?

MAN 1: Absolutely!

MAN 2: I’m gonna look like a fool. I think it’s for me

MAN 1: Are you saying, I mean you think I look like a fool?

MAN 2: With that coconut cup?

MAN 1: Yeah!

MAN 2: I don’t wanna speak out to turn.

MAN 1: Speak your mind, you know, we have to be honest with each other. Otherwise, you’re gonna take the controls. I gotta trust that you’re gonna do your job.

MAN 2: It’s what we are trained for.

MAN 1: Really. Well, I got an idea. I’m gonna do a little test, I gotta let go the wheel and we’ll see how you react. Alright, ready? I’m gonna let go the wheel now, letting go, letting go. Whoa whoa! What are you gonna do? Nice, nice one. Gag reflexes, gag flexes, alright. I just take the wheel back then. Whoa! There it goes again, what’s happening? Nice, you’re sharp. Now I can trust you, now I feel like we built a, built some trust. Did you just turn the other comrade or I thought that was for Sarah, Sarah?

MAN 1: Sarah? Ladies and Gentlemen, Uh, never mind.

SFX: Ding

THERESA: Anyway, Joey, you know, blah blah. No, I wasn’t cheating on you. I just thought, I thought she was pretty, and I was just talkin’ to her ‘cause she a neither, blah blah blah blah. And I was telling Kelly, “You don’t talk to me like that! I’m a woman, and I need to be respected. I’m not that kind of woman. And then he says, “You don’t get it. I just like her as a friend.” Yeah, right. Hahahaha. Oh men. I was so mad. I am so mad.

THERESA: Notice anything different about me? I got on, uhm, oh my god, today at the bachelorette party happening in road 38 through 39. They are having the best time ever, and I went back there ‘cause I went to the bathroom. They just gave me a few shots, and they gave me the tiara. They gave me the bachelorette’s tiara. And then hey gave me the, what’s that called, the boa thing. Oh my god, oh my gosh, they’re so much fun. They are just like the bestfriends of all times. Oh. So anyway, they’re just a riot. Oh my god. Perhaps I had too much fun with them. No, I’m fine, I’m fine. I’m just having fun. I’m just having a good time before landing in San Francisco I just made up this song.

But, uh, yeah it’s been, it’s a good time. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. It’s just a plane. It’s just having a good time. Maybe I had a little bit too much fun with them. No, I’m fine. I’m just having a good time. Just gonna have some fun and then go to San silly Francisco. Gonna just drink a little bit blat a lot. Think about stuff. [Laughter]. Oh my god. Joe would be so mad at me right now. He would be so mad at me right now, he would be so mad at me right now ‘cause he’’d be like “Theresa”! I mean, no, he doesn’t sound like that. He’d be like “Theresa, why are so drinking and having all this fun. You’re supposed to be serious and sit on a plane right now.” Then I’d be like. “Shush you’re mouth. You’re not the boss of me. I’m a grown adult. Oh me, this is a riot! It’s a party on a plane! It’s a party on a plane! [Laughing] It’s a party on a plane! I like the smell of the boa they give me too. I’m not gonna give it back. No oh. Oh I’m gonna keep it forever ‘cause it’s pink and it’s mine! Once they give something to someone, it’s mine! And Oh then tiara like I’m a little princess woman. It’s kinda fun. [Sniffing Sound]

Ah, but seriously, there’s something I want to tell you about. You see, there’s a struggle but here. Things about Joe and me have feel not good lately. So, it’s kind of an escape but I’m kinda trying to figure out if I want to stay with Joe or not. You know, it’s been 17 years we’ve been together. It’s been tough. You know, I love the guy, but it’s not easy. Excuse me one minute. [Vomiting Sound then Crying Sound] Sorry, it’s just that you know, it’s been hard. He’s got a lot of good features and a lot of good qualities but [Vomiting Sound then Coughing Sound] I’m sorry. Sorry hope you didn’t notice that. I’m trying to keep it. [Sniffing Sound] Relax. So, I don’t know. You know, you never know with life sometimes, it works up sometimes. I mean, it does work out no matter what. It’s just sometimes, it just didn’t work out the way you want it to work out. So you gotta look some ways to have fun, to liven it up, you know. So I try to stay positive but I don’t know. [Sniffing Sound} I think at the end of the day, what really matters is just that you have your friends and family, you know. Love can come from a lot of places so. [Sniffing Sound] I don’t know. I wish I was gone to that bachelorette party with those girls at the back.

SFX: Ding

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ladies and gentleman, it is time that time in the flight, we’ve been all waiting for. No, we haven’t landed [Laughing Sound] But we have the answer to the Guess How Many Peanuts I’m Holding in my Right Hand Game. And the winner is, absolutely nobody! Because I am not holding any peanuts in my right hand. So, jokes on you. Sorry guys, no year supply of peanuts for anyone at all. And the winner of The What are We Sign our Game is Richard Cranium! Seat 34B, Richard Cranium . Way to go! Let’s give Richard Cranium a big amount of applause. [Clapping Sound] Come on! [Clapping Sound] Give it up fo Richard Cranium, you guys!

SFX: Ding! Dong!

Our flight atendant comes dowm the aisle collecting trash. She stops just short of our hero and engages in small talk with the guy sitting in front of him.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Trash. Trash. Anybody. Trash. Trash. Tra! Oh, wow! Sir, um, I couldn’t help notice your yellow hat and how it matches your yellow shirt. From the moment, you walk on in this hallway I, I saw you and drew my eye instanties and I was really intrigued by this color combination. Yellow on yellow. I like yellow. I feel it’s an underappreciated color. And there’s not a lot of man out there with you, who can be so bold. I swear, you look a lot of big old half banana out there. And when you step on the plane, there’s something going on here. There’s something special. I feel like your attention to coordination between your hat and your shirt, and your eyes it conveys a sort of a sense of confidence, a wild side maybe and I said, I just gotta go talk to this half banana man in 37A

MAN IN YELLOW HAT: Well, I got this hat back in 1954 and it also matches the color of the sun, and the color of the positive sign [Mumbling Sound]. I have to say, I like the way that you part your hair in the middle.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Yeah, Thank you for noticing. I part my hair in the middles because I feel like it conveys a sense of confidence as a flight attendant. I feel like that is extremely important. I wanna make people feel comfortable. I wanna make make feel people at ease and I feel like the center part it says “she’s balanced. She’s well-balanced. I can trust her. I can trust her with my peanuts.” I spent a good amount of time this morning in the laboratory, which is where we do, I’m hiding my makeup in the laboratory ‘cause that’s the kind of girl I am.

MAN IN YELLOW HAT: Is your lavatory, I believe us we say as a bathroom?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Yes. That is industry we go. Some other interesting, interesting industry we go is we don’t say airplane, we say aircraft.

MAN IN YELLOW HAT: Aircraft? Instead of two-word word or one with dash?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: I usually do air dash craft.

MAN IN YELLOW HAT: [Mumbling Sound]

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Yeah. Well I find it as a sign of language that you can have fun with anything can go with everything, with anybody, can say, child (?)

MAN IN YELLOW HAT: Two words huh?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: With a dash

MAN IN YELLOW HAT: With a dash on it, do ya? ooh. dash, car huh? And you are a flight dash attendant [Laughing Sound]

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: And that is not with a dash in attendant. They used to call us stewardess. I don’t know if you know that.

MAN IN YELLOW HAT: Oh yeah.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: But there ate thing you know..

MAN IN YELLOW HAT: They did declared a Non-PCP. Not PCP

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: The thing is, is there are now a male steward and stewardesses, and the ESSES suggests that it is a female in the job and in case a male, flight attendant this is mean an insult call to people

MAN IN YELLOW HAT: Then call them as steward. Steward? Like Stewart? Already sound as a man’s name. I don’t know see where the problem is. But you know, time’s changes. Dying changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Steward is a medieval name. And you know a steward often thinks as an act of carrying of weapons so we don’t to want anybody get confused with some sort of dangerous person with us or with guns

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: I would love to get to an international flight. Unfortunately, Blah does not have an international flight as this time but if they ever have a flight to Paris, I’ll be the on the first flight because I love to go to Paris.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Your art, your architecture, the food, it’s different. But about the colors, my favourite color is not yellow though I appreciate yellow, I say my favourite color is red because the sunbathing is red, roses are red the same goes and the heart is red and that is why I love read and every time I see it I say that’s my favourite color. Blue is interesting because water is blue and the sky is blue and eyes are sometimes is blue and the whales are blue and I find it strange that blue is associated with the sadness, there are so many beautiful blues out there. It is also a type of music as well because how many types of music are also colors.

MAN WITH YELLOW HAT:

KID: Why are we wearing hats? Why are we wearing hats? [Squeaking Sounds] Why are we wearing hats? We’re in a plane! [Squeaking Sounds] We’re in a plane already! There’s nothing! There is nothing here. There is nothing here. [Squeaking Sounds] The plane. We’re landing. I’m gonna count to. I’m gonna count to. Negative One. Negative Two. In two we went to the plane. Negative 1, Negative 2, Negative 3, Negative 4, Negative 5, Negative 6, Negative 7, Negative 8, Negative 9, Negative 10, Negative 11, Negative 12, Negative 13, Negative 14, Negative 15, Negative 16, Negative 17, Negative 18, Negative 19, Negative 20, Negative 21, Negative 22, Negative 23, Negative 24, Negative 25, Negative 26, Negative 27, Negative 28, Negative 29, [Breathing Sound and Squeaking Sound] Negative 30. Negative 31, Negative 32, Negative 33, Negative 34, Negative 35, Negative 36 Negative 37, Negative 38, Negative 39, Negative 40. Negative 41, Negative 42, Negative 43, Negative 44, Negative 45, Negative 46, Negative 47, Negative 48, Negative 49 [Breathing Sound and Squeaking Sound] Negative 50, Negative 51, Negative 52 Negative, Negative 53 [Huffing Sound then, Squeaking Sound] Negative 54, Negative 55, Negative 56, 57, Negative 58. Negative 59. [Huffing Sound then, Squeaking Sound]Negative 60, Negative 61, Negative 62, [Huffing Sound then, Squeaking Sound]Negative 63, Negative 64, Negative 65, Negative 66, Negative 67, Negative 68, Negative 69, Plus Bonus Negative 70, Plus Bonus Negative 71, Plus Bonus Negative 72, Plus Bonus Negative 73, Plus Bonus Negative 74, Plus Bonus Negative 75, Plus Two, Plus Negative 77, Minus 1, Plus Negative 76, Plus Negative 77, Negative 78, Negative 79, Negative 79, Negative 79, Negative 79, Negative 79, Negative 79, Negative 79, Negative 79, Negative 79, Negative 79, Negative 79, Negative 79, Negative 80, Negative 81, Negative 82, Negative 83, Negative 84, Negative 85, Negative 86, Negative 87. Negative 87. Negative 88, Negative Niiiiine, Negative 90, Negative 91, Negative 92, Negative 9e, Negative 94, Negative 95, [Changing Voices] Negative 96, Negative 97, Negative 98, Negative 99, Negative 99, Negative 99, Negative 99, Negative 99, Negative 99, Negative 99, Negative 99, Negative 99, 100, 100, 101, 102, 103, 104, 105, 106, 107, 108, 109, 110, 111, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 121, 122, 123, 124. 125, 126, 127,

SFX: Ding

KID: 128

CAPTAIN: [Yawning Sound] Ladies and gentlemen, we’re also reach our destination. I’m please to inform you that this is almost over.

CAPTAIN: Flight Attendants, prepare for landing please [Sniffing Sound]

SFX: Ding!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ladies and gentleman, as we start our descend, please make sure you’re sit back and your tray tables are at full upright position. Make sure your seat belts is securely fasten. And all carry-on luggages are stayed on underneath the seat in front of you or overhead bins. Please turn off your all electronic devices. Please turn off your all electronic devices or make sure that they are at airplane mode until we are safely part at the gate.

SFX: Ding! Ding!

A flight attendant comes down the aisle, going throught the procedures before landing.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Trash. Trays. Trash. Last call. Trash. Last call for trash. Last call for trash. Last call for trash. Last call for trash. We’re landing, put your trays off. Trays up. Trays, t-trays up. Put your trays up. Put your trays up. Sir, your trays gone up. Sir, seatbacks are in the upright and locked position. Now to lay back and relax position. The upright and lock position.

The annoying guy sitting in the window seat starts his long goodbye to our hero.

PASSENGER: I just want to say ah before we land and part ways that it is actually been an honour sitting next to you and a privilege. You’ve been very generous with your elbow room of the, of the arm rest. You’ve been dirty conscious by microscale space and you’ve been very moveless as well. This is actually not my first rodeo in San Francisco. I came here the late 70s. This was sort of after the hippy thing in the 60s. I was a little late. I came up here you know, expecting to be a part of the flower movement and I came out here and I have my long hair and I’ve been wanting to be a part of it. It turn out be all over. By the time I got out here, which is a road awakening and I spent a few years here so no stranger to San Francisco.

I’m actually coming out for a convention of internet based magician. We do magic over the internet via webcam, broadcast worldwide. We have a meeting once a year, and it’s not always in San Francisco. But last year, it was in Albuquerque. The previous year it was in, it was in Oklahoma. The year before that it was in Anaheim. And the year before that it was in Missouri. And this year somebody said, I said, “Perhaps I’m feeling a little nostalgic. Perhaps I’ve been wanting to visit San Francisco for quite a while again. I brought it up. I said, “Why we don’t we go crazy this year. Why don’t we go to San Francisco? Some place exotic, you know. Some place different”. I had to fight for it you know. Not everybody wants to go far away from home. Our largely based in the Midwest, Western states. And anyway, you know so I had to pull a few strings. I had to wiggle some arms. And we got everybody here. Here we go. Through all the way. And we’re gonna meet up. And we’re gonna discuss all source of things you know, ethical clans, gilandrums of doing illusion making people believe that really are happening. More of gilandrum of magic, you know. It’s cutting somebody in half on stage morally okay. Even if it’s just an illusion, are you sending the wrong signal to the youth saying, “Here you can cut your friends in half” you know. Of course, you can say things like “Don’t do this at home”. “Don’t try this at home” you know. But you know, you never know what somebody would get through their head. So you know, there’s a lot of issues involved you know, doing magic and performing illusion. And we’re just trying to figure that out. And threw some discussions and if the democratic forums where everybody can speak their piece. We get together on person. Mono on mono once a year, to reveal our tricks together, train you know, mostly that card trick we do mostly. We don’t tricks with animals of any kind, we think that’s a bit cruel. We don’t tricks that look dangerous. We only do tricks that you know, safe from people of all ages. There is some sort of a magician code: Do not harm. Sort of like the doctors say “Do not harm”. We also have a motto. And our motto is “There is No Magic, Only Illusion”.

You gotta be careful using the word “magic”. It can be misunderstood sometimes. People thinks it’s like fairy tale stuff. But personally, I associate the word magic with the word “illusion”. I like the word magic better but it is actually illusion or slide of hand, destruction in art of being, having nibble fingers. The ability to destruct people’s attention so you can do something that appears to be magic and that is the art of it really. And I do consider it art or some sort of spiritual practice. Although often times intertwine if some spiritual practice. And I say if regards to that, to each their own, perhaps there is magic in the world somewhere. Perhaps there is a miracle of a sort. If flight not miracle, have we not been doing the world’s greatest magic tricks with a lot of of six hours? We’re flying right now. That is a sort of a miracle in a noble itself. Every time we step on in an airplane, something magical is happening. I mean, imagine if somebody 300 years ago just flying airplane thought human slang “Oh that is magic up there”. And if not, it is a feat of engineering of course, you know it’s quite interesting. I’ve never, I always try to remember that when I get a little bit down, if i get a little bit blue. I try to remember magical the universe can be really. Strange thing happen all the time. Let’s be honest, you know maybe there is a psychic somewhere and he’s reading my mind. Mostly in relationship I feel like there some sort of magic and a cursed. You know you leave somebody then all of a sudden you feel funny and you see yourself inducing f that you didn’t know you can do. This is sort of magic. You know, really in coincidences and completely uncanny and impossible. For instance, maybe I’m sitting next to you on this plane and I ran into to you for some point this week. Somebody might say it was meant to be, you know maybe this friendship develop into one of the most important friendships of our lives. Maybe we learned a from this to each other and we should share our lives together, you know somebody might call that fate. And that is sort of a magic as well those in coincidences that lead to, you know meaningful experiences or fates happening on airplanes, people sitting next to each other and then thing happen. So who knows? Maybe we were meant to on this flight together. On BLAH Airlines, Flight 101, you know. Maybe this is where it all starts and where it all ends, you know. You never know every ending is a new beginning. at the end of this flight, I hope this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship maybe. I’d like to get to know you, you seem like an affable guy. I don’t know if you’d be interested in continuing this relationship at some point once we reach our destination. No pressure of course. I’m always looking for fellow travelers, fellow adventurers, in this adventure called life. If you’d be interested then, I absolutely would consider, you know grabbing something to eat, perhaps seeing a few sights with somebody else. I’m going, after all I’m traveling by myself. I like traveling by myself, I don’t mind doing things by myself. I’m sort of a loner actually. But you know, “Two heads are better than one” as they say. And sometimes it’s just nice to share a, to share a drink, to share some food with somebody who is interested in meeting friends, uh fellow somebody with affable personality like yourself, discussing the things you’ve seen. There’s a lot of things to see in San Francisco. And you know, I think I can offer a lot in terms of some guidance in places to go and things to do. Foods to eat even. Although I’m sure a lot changed since I’ve been there. It seems be more of a tech, enter of a teach boom. A tech world at this point. if you have any free time this weekend, you know give me a call or you know, send me an email and let’s see if we can make it work, you know like see what happens. Here’s my email, I have a cellphone but I only use for it for the internet because I don’t believe in phone calls .

Now it’s Theresa’s turn to say goodbye to our hero.

THERESA: You know, I wanted to say u m it’s been a pleasure sitting next to you for the past you know, five odd hours. There were peaks and valleys to this flight really. We shared a few laughs, I had too many few drinks but I recovered, sleep home tremendously. I’m gonna be honest to you, I still feel groggy. I’ll take a nap after I land. I’ll spend time at the terminal before my friend comes and picks me up. Just to really make sure that I fully indulged in the beauty sleep that I -- You know there’ve been ups and downs on this flight and through it all one thing remained consistently and that there is you. You’ve been my rock through and through. There were a few “Are we there yet?” moment but to be honest. I know you probably didn’t feel it sitting next to me ‘cause I tend to be very respectful and you know allow for an enjoyable flight. But I can’t even say the same for everyone else, you know what I’m saying. But ah yeah, you’ve been my rock.

The plane starts to descend.

CAPTAIN: Coming through. Please stay in your seat for landing.

SFX: Ding! Ding!

THERESA: I really hope you that find a woman for yourself, like me ‘cause you deserve it. Someone like me, not me but someone like me. You’ll never have me but aim high.

SFX: Ding! Ding!

Finally, after nearly six grueling hours, the plane has landed.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ladies and gentleman, we have landed in the beautiful city of SFO. We told you we’ll get you there, so you are there now and that’s it! You can get off the plane now.

SFX: Ding! Ding!

Please note: The script is a mix of written and improvised dialogue.