When people eat blistering hot sauce, their eyes begin to tear, just like when they cry. So for Constancia Brava Hot Sauce, we wrote really sad animal stories that laid it on so thick that they made people cry when they heard them, because the only way an animal can make you cry is by slathering it in Constancia Brava Hot Sauce.

SFX: INSECTS CHIRRPINGMARCOS: My name is Marcos the Tuna. I was born on February 13th on Fishing Day. That’s why I am an orphan. My blind old grandfather was the only family I had left and he took me in. On October 31st, he dressed me up as the Little Mermaid, because he had no idea if I was a little boy tuna or little girl tuna. Since then, everyone calls me Little Mer-boy. Anyway, I didn’t live with him very long, because a barracuda had him for lunch, right in front of my eyes. Then an octopus took me under his tentacles. Well, he came home drunk every night and beat me and beat me and beat me and beat me and beat me and beat me, and then he beat me again. The first time I fell in love, it was with a piece of bait. Then I tried dating an electric eel. We have 76 little tuna fish babies but they all got electrocuted hatching out of the eggs. After that, I got addicted to snorting brake fluid from sunken yachts. That was when I met Sonia, the Piranha. I fell head over heels for her, until one day we got into a fight because she cheated on me. That’s why I don’t have my right eye anymore. I had to start wearing a patch and now they call me Merboy Pirate.VO: No tuna can make you cry unless it’s got Hot Sauce from La Constancia on it.

MARCOS: Soy marcos, el atún, nací un 13 de febrero día de pesca… si… por eso soy huérfano, me fui a vivir con mi abuelo ciego que era mi única familia, un 31 de octubre me disfrazó de sirenita porque él no sabía si yo era atuncito o atuncita, desde ahí todos me conocen como sirenito, pero no viví mucho con él porque se lo comió una barracuda frente a mi… y ahí me adoptó un pulpo, que todas las noches llegaba borracho y me pegaba y me pegaba y me pegaba y me pegaba y me pegaba y me pegaba y me pegaba y me volvía a pegar, la primera vez que me enamoré resultó ser una carnada, después salí con una anguila eléctrica, tuvimos 76 atuncitos… si… pero todos murieron electrocutados al salir de los huevos, y ahí me volví adicto al aceite de frenos de los yates hundidos, en ese mundo conocí a Sonia la piraña… me enamoré, me enamoré de ella hasta que un día peleamos porque me era infiel… por eso es que no tengo el ojito derecho, tuve que ponerme un parche.. ahora soy el sirenito pirata, LOC INST: ningún atún te hará llorar si no es con salsa brava la constancia.